I Have You
by michelle1039
Summary: Sequel to my story - I Found You. Post-mockingjay. Katniss and Peeta return to district 12, but will their relationship be the same after months of separation, and how will both of them learn to live again after going through so much. The story of how Katniss and Peeta grew back together.
1. Chapter 1

Hello readers! Welcome to my new story

This is my second fanfic, it's actually a sequel to my first story; **I Found You**, you don't need to have read it to understand this one, but I would as the events in Mockingjay turn out differently for many of the characters, plus Peeta and Katniss' relationship is at a completely different stage

First off, I hope you all enjoy this story as much as people seemed to the first part, I really look forward to hearing what you all think!

A big thank-you to my amazing beta **ct522 **who also beta'd my first story and did such a brilliant job.

A quick disclaimer - none of the characters etc belong to me, they are property of the amazing Suzanne Collins

Happy reading!

* * *

Peeta's POV

I missed her. My mind was a mess, since the War I'd completely lost my hold on reality. But one thing I did know was that I missed her. The way her grey eyes would peer up at me through her eyelashes, the soft touch of her small hands as they grasped onto mine, the way her thick hair flowed down her back when it wasn't tied up in a braid. They had done many things to my memories of Katniss, distorted them, changed them to make me think she was an evil mutt. But they could never remove the longing I felt when I thought of her.

After the explosion in the City Circle things had been a lot harder, my episode's had been duller but much longer and my memories were all mixed up. I had only seen Katniss twice, during the meeting of the Victors – where she had completely thrown me by voting for another Games, and Snow's assassination – where once again she'd surprised us all by killing the wrong President. I had to admire her determination – although it didn't help quell the nagging feeling that she was out for my blood. Haymitch had spent a long time explaining to me why Katniss had killed Coin. I didn't know how he'd worked it out, he'd seen her almost a little as I had, but they'd always had an understanding between them. Hearing that Coin had sentenced Prim to death was enough to set off another one of my episodes. She was an amazing person, she embodied all that I loved about Katniss.

Dr Aurelius suggested we started from the beginning – my mind was such a mess that I couldn't even tell what had actually happened, nor when it had happened. We went through all the tapes of the first Games. The memories flowed through me easily, we'd been through them enough. I had loved Katniss, and she had cared for me – but definitely not loved me. I remembered her admission on the train, one of the worst moments of my life. We then moved onto the Victory Tour. Haymitch helped me with those ones, he'd spent a lot of time with the two of us, and it seemed we hadn't been overly secretive with our late night sleepovers. Those memories brought on a whole different kind of sensation – the sheer need to hold Katniss tightly in my arms, feel her body pressed against mine as she sighed in her sleep. Next was the Quarter Quell, my memories of that were the hardest, the Capitol had managed to destroy a lot of the footage and had targeted my memories with Katniss. She had shown a whole different side of herself in those Games, for the slightest moment I had felt as though I really had her love. I remembered our kiss on the beach, the way her lips had moved needily against mine. What I would do to have her lips touch mine again. I remembered the pearl I had given her, along with the locket. I had been told Katniss still had the locket – but I still had the pearl tucked tighly in my pocket. My one remaining piece of the girl I loved.

My torture was the hardest part to go through, Johanna helped me a lot with that. The memories would come back to me at night in the forms of nightmares. I had been beaten, injected, electrocuted, you name it. I had never come to terms with my capture after being rescued from the Capitol. I hadn't even had time to contemplate what had happened to me, plus the Capitol had managed to brainwash me into thinking Katniss was at fault, not them. My memories from then on were easy to access once I was told what had happened. The Capitol hadn't fed me any distorted images of my time in Thirteen or during the War. I only had my confused mind to contend with. However, those memories had been the hardest to accept. Each time Katniss had shown me affection I doubted it, and I had no one there to confirm or deny what I was thinking. I wasn't allowed to contact Katniss, Dr Aurelius had said I wasn't ready to hear her voice. The last time I had seen her she'd shot someone with an arrow – it wasn't the most reassuring memory.

There were some memories that stuck with me, of Katniss saying she loved me. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't shake those memories. They stuck in my mind and refused to be forgotten. But I refused to believe them. I had waited so many years for Katniss to love me, and her falling in love with a boy ruined by the Capitol was too far a stretch of the imagination.

Finding out about Prim had only been the beginning of my grief. After my memories had been sorted out, Dr Aurelius started delving into the loss of my family. I had never mourned them, and I hadn't planned to. But then he started to show me pictures, pictures of the burned out District Twelve, the bakery in ruins, my empty house at the Victor's Village. That's when the tears started, and they refused to stop. I needed her, my Katniss, I knew she wouldn't know what to say but she would hold me, just as she did all those times on the train. She might've even kissed me lips a couple of times, made me feel like there was someone left living for. I had failed in protecting my own family, what kind of a man did that make me?

My therapy sessions went from every other day, to once a week. Dr Aurelius often commented that he was happy with my progress, but I didn't feel any better. I was alone, stuck in the Capitol with no friends, no family, no Katniss. But where did I have to go? There was Twelve of course, my original home, where I had been told Katniss had been confined to – but then Twelve came along with the memories of my family and friends which were now gone. I could always go to District Four where Johanna, Annie and Finnick were – but it just didn't feel right.

Delly would often come and visit me during my time in the Capitol hospital, I didn't question why she hadn't gone straight back to Thirteen or Twelve. I knew the feeling of not knowing where home was anymore. Effie also came to visit a lot, although she wouldn't last long before the tears were welling in her eyes. She blamed herself for what had happened to Katniss and I, but I tried to convince her that it wasn't her fault. She had been brought up in a life much different to ours, she had proved herself much better than many of the other escorts when she had shown she cared about us.

Eventually I started to feel better, stronger minded. The episodes were fewer and further between, and I was getting better at determining what was real. I had even taught Delly the game Katniss and I had played; Real or Not Real, although she often seemed disappointed if she couldn't help me with the answers. But Delly, being Delly, often managed to put a smile back on both our faces moments later. One day, however, when she came to visit I could immediately tell something was on her mind.

"What's wrong?" I asked as soon as she came in the door. She laughed lightly, shaking her head at me.

"What would make you think something's wrong?"

"You seem upset." I observed, her eyes were much more distant than usual.

"I'm not upset, just confused." She sighed, forcing a small smile as she looked at me. "I heard Dr

Aurelius talking about something earlier. They're going to let you leave the Capitol."

"Oh," I murmured, not quite able to take in the news. I had become too well accustomed to my life stuck in the rehabilitation ward that I had almost forgotten the end goal.

"Where will you go?" She asked quietly.

"I… I don't know." My eyes dropped into my lap and I suddenly felt useless and unwanted. I had no home, no one to go back to.

"You should go back to Twelve Peeta. She needs you." Delly looked at me earnestly, I of course knew who she was on about. Katniss, the girl I had loved since the first time I had heard her sing when I was only five years old. The girl who apparently loved me too. But could things ever be that simple?

"I could spend the rest of my life trying to kill her Delly." I sighed. Of course things weren't simple, I had been programmed to fear everything about her.

"You won't though." Her voice was determined. "You've come so far Peeta. Don't you think she's worth fighting for?"

"Of course she is." I blurted out before I even thought about it. I had fought for Katniss so many times, put myself in danger to save her. But could I really risk hurting her just to allow myself the warmth of her company?

"Well then," Delly smiled, but the sadness was still there in her eyes.

"Are you sad because I'm leaving?" I asked confused. Delly and I were friends of course, but I'd have thought she'd enjoy life without having to babysit an unstable boy.

"No," she quickly shook her head. "I'm glad you're finally able to leave. I just don't know what to do with myself."

"Come back to Twelve with me." I said like it was the simplest thing in the world. She sighed lightly, obviously overlooking my blunt attitude towards the subject.

"I don't know Peeta, I don't have someone waiting for me like you do."

"You have family." I urged. I knew Delly's parents had died in the bombings, but her grandparents had returned to Twelve – and she could take her brother back with her. "And I'm sure many of your friends have already returned."

"Hmm, I don't know Peeta."

"Why don't you come back and help me move in? I'm sure Dr Aurelius would prefer me to go back with someone watching over me. If you don't like it, you can just come back here on the next train." By the look in Delly's eyes, I knew I had convinced her.

* * *

So it was agreed. Dr Aurelius had lapped up the idea of Delly coming back with me, pointing out that it wouldn't be easy for me to see Katniss on my own. His words unsettled me, the thought of being a danger to Katniss was something I couldn't bear. It was only a week later when we found ourselves packed up and loaded onto a train bound for District Twelve. Delly had agreed to come on her own, and would either send for her brother or return after a week. She didn't want to uproot him twice.

We spent the next couple of days on the train, Delly made the most of the exquisite Capitol food – insisting I do the same. But I just couldn't manage to force anything down, the unsettling feeling in my stomach only intensified the closer we got. I was going to see Katniss, after months of being kept apart. I had no idea how she was going to react – would she run into my arms? Surely if she truly loved me we would be inseperable. But this was Katniss, she'd been through so much – we both had. I had rung Haymitch the previous day, letting him know everything about my arrival. I had tried to hint at him to let me know how Katniss was doing, his only reply had been; "she's hurting Peeta, you know how that feels, even better than I do." What did that mean? I had no idea the condition she'd be in – she'd lost her sister, the most important person in the world to her, and I'd been too much of a mess to even comfort her. As far as I knew she'd been alone, and that thought was enough to break my heart a million times over.

When we finally rolled into Twelve, any kind of happiness I felt was overwhelmed by dread. Delly practically had to lead me off the train as my legs wouldn't work on their own. I was shaking by the time we stepped out onto the platform. I held my hands tight into fists, I wouldn't let my fear overcome me now. I was home, it was time to rebuild my life. Haymitch met us at the station, muttering a quick hello to Delly began roughly patting me on the back.

"It's good to see you boy. You look better." It wasn't a compliment, just a statement. Haymitch always called it as he saw it.

"Wish I could say the same for you old man." I smirked, he looked tired, withdrawn. When I saw him glancing up and down the platform I realised the reason for his state. He was waiting for the next alcohol delivery. "I didn't see any deliveries on board." I informed him. His face immediately dropped and I quickly dove my hand into my bag, producing a large expensive bottle of liquor. "Effie asked me to bring it for you, but she made me promise I wouldn't let you drink it all at once."

Haymitch smirked, his eyes visibly lightly up as he examined the bottle, "hmm, that's good stuff. Looks like she does have some taste after all."

* * *

The three of us walked back to the Victor's Village. Even Delly couldn't seem to find any words to fill the silence, but I didn't mind. I took in the sight of the district – it was nowhere near as desolate as it had looked when I had last visited, people were already out in the streets, working on putting up buildings. I recognised one of the men running the rebuild; Thom. He had begun work in the mines the same time Gale had, and he had often come to the bakery to buy a small cake for his younger sister when he finished work. I hadn't seen him since the last time he'd come through the doors, and I wasn't ready to socialise again just yet. From the path we took through the district, I couldn't see the ruins of my old home and bakery. I had never looked at them properly during my visit to Twelve with Katniss, and I was glad I didn't have to face it yet – although I knew I would. I still owned the deeds to the property, it had been agreed to honor any deeds still owned by living residents, and with the rebuild going on, I knew I would be approached at some point.

"Do you think your grandparents will re-open the store?" I asked Delly quietly. Not quite sure if it was the right thing to say.

"I'm not sure." She shrugged, "I doubt they'd want to run it at their age." I bit my tongue, to stop myself suggesting she reopened herself. I couldn't even follow my own advice, let alone expect her to take it.

We reached the Victor's Village and Delly slowed behind us, I turned to look at her questioningl as she hesitated.

"Are you sure you want me to come? I could always come over later, I don't want to impose."

"No, it's fine." I assured her, to be honest I didn't know how I was going to react to returning home.

I noticed the lights on in Katniss' house as we walked past and instantly my heart skipped a beat, knowing she was so close to my grasp – yet I felt as though there was still a barrier between us. Haymitch watched me carefully.

"I haven't told her you're coming back yet." He said gruffly. I furrowed my brows at him, I didn't see the point in postponing the news. She'd know as soon as she saw life in my house. "I'm not sure how she'll take it."

His last sentence hit me like a knife in the chest. That only meant one thing, she wasn't going to be happy. Obviously things had changed, we'd been apart for months. It was enough time to make her realise I wasn't what she had truly wanted – she'd felt sorry for me. I swallowed down the lump forming in my throat and turned my head away from her house, forcing myself to continue towards my own.

"Peeta," Haymitch called lowly, forcing me to stop only a few footsteps away from my door.

"She's not been doing so well. I'll tell her tonight, just don't get your hopes up." And with that, he turned towards his house – screwing open the top of the bottle of liquor before he even reached the door. I looked at Delly and she rolled her eyes, we shared a tight smile - not quite able to bring myself to laugh just yet.

It took me pushing my whole weight into the front door for it to even budge. No one had been inside for a long time, and the place felt even emptier than I could've imagined. There was no one waiting inside for me to come home, the smell of fresh bread my father would bake was gone, my brothers were no longer upstairs causing a raucous as they fought between them, even my mother's scowl was missing – the one she seemed to wear everytime I walked into the room. I missed it all. Delly seemed to sense my shift in emotion and she quickly busied herself building a fire in the front room.

I carried my measly box of belongings upstairs, it was mostly things I had acquired during my recovery – pages of recipes I had written down as they came back to me, sketches of moments I had forgotten. Dr Aurelius had even provided me with a set of paints, assuring me the canvases would arrive in a few days. At least I would have plenty to keep me busy, since spending time with Katniss seemed out of the question. When I returned downstairs, Delly was already at the door.

"I thought you'd probably need some time to yourself." She smiled lightly before leaning forward to swiftly peck me on the cheek. "I'm heading back to my grandparents for the night, but I could come by tomorrow?"

I nodded quickly, I couldn't tell what emotional state I would be in by the end of the night. I probably did need space. "That'd be great, thanks Delly."

Early in the evening was the first time I heard her. Her scream penetrated through the whole of the Victor's Village. Without even thinking, my feet had moved me in front of the window, I was so closely pressed to it that my breath began to fog my vision. My eyes scanned Katniss' house for any signs of movement. It took all my might to stop myself fleeing out the door, but I didn't even know if Haymitch had told her I was back yet. Out the corner of my eyes I spotted him rushing across the grass between his house and Katniss'. He caught my eye for a moment, firmly shaking his head before darting through her front door. That was my warning, I had to stay away from her. But still I stood by the window, waiting until her screams stopped, and stayed there for a long time after – just hoping she'd maybe look out of her own window and I could see she was alright. But she never came.

That night was even harder than I'd imagined. My nightmares had never disappeared, but during my recovery they had become a lot less severe. But that night, they seemed to return with an unforgiving vengeance. I dreamt of everyone I'd lost; my family repeatedly went up in flames, they would call my name, begging for me to help them – but every time I would be too late. Every time I woke lying in a thin layer of sweat I would silently wish I had asked Delly to stay with me. I'd had no idea how hard it would be once I was truly alone. Each time I knew I wouldn't fall back to sleep, so I would sit on the windowsill, letting the cool air lap over me as I gazed over the Victor's Village. Haymitch's downstairs lights were still on, I knew he hardly slept during the night – but I couldn't bring myself to walk over there. There was only one person I really wanted to see, and her house was swamped in darkness.

I allowed myself out of my bedroom once the sun had fully rose, deeming it a reasonable time to be awake. I quickly jumped into the shower, hoping the water would make me feel more alert after a restless night. Once I stepped out I was greeted by my reflection in the low hanging mirror above the sink. My eyes already had dark rings forming around them, I knew this was a look I should get used to. I brushed my hairs through my hair roughly, trying to tidy it somewhat, but as my eyes casted down to my chest I knew my attempts to look normal were fruitless. I was littered with the scars from my torture, and the burns I had gained from the explosion in the City Circle. I had never rated my looks, but they had often been pointed out to me after the reaping, now I just looked like the weak shell of a boy with nothing special to offer a woman. I tore myself away from my reflection and threw on some clothes. I needed to get out, this house wasn't doing me any good. I quickly walked through the Victor's Village, not wanting to let Katniss see me, before I allowed my feet free roam. I avoided the town like the plague – I still wasn't ready to face that yet. Instead I found myself wondering towards the outskirts of the district, finally coming into contact with the electric fence which had lined it for as long as I could remember.

I suddenly felt as though I was trespassing on something sacred. Katniss had always hunted in the woods the other side of the fence. They had never been my place. But the fence was already half torn down, probably during the impact of the firebombs, and I took that as my cue to proceed through. As I made my way through the woods I began to understand how Katniss loved them so much. It was peaceful, untouched. Free of all the worries home would bring. I didn't push myself far into the trees, I didn't have the same hunters instincts she and Gale had and I knew I would only end up getting myself in trouble. I was about to turn back towards home before a number of bushes caught my eyes. I had never been particularly knowledgeable about plants, but I remembered when Katniss had sat and showed me her families plant book. Both she and Prim had been named after plants, and the bushes in front of me triggered a memory deep inside. They were Primroses, I was certain of it. Without a second thought I crouched in front of them, digging up the soil with my bare hands as I freed the roots.

I carried the bushes back to my house, picking up an old shovel which my father had stored in the garden, before heading to Katniss'. I stood for a while, listening from the outside. I couldn't hear any movement inside and assumed she must be out. Without giving myself time to second guess my actions I began digging out the ground around the side of the house, lining up the bushes alongside it.

I heard her before I saw her. My breath caught in my throat as I raised my eyes slowly, expecting some kind of assault about trespassing on her property. I was speechless as my eyes scanned over her. She looked so much different; thinner, paler, she wore circles which matched mine under her eyes, and I could see the hint of scarring at the base of her arm before her sleeve started. Her eyes were the hardest to take it, on the surface they looked the same – that haunting grey which glistened as the light hit them. But I could see deeper, she was hurting, all her fight was gone. I wanted nothing more than to gather her in my arms, promise her I wouldn't leave her again – wouldn't let anything hurt her again. But I couldn't, somehow I knew I wasn't allowed to. I had practically abandoned her, left her to deal with everything by herself. I knew people would say it wasn't my fault, but it didn't change anything. We were different people now, she was no longer the girl with the braid that I had longed for every day since I was five years old, and I was no longer the boy who had offered her a loaf of bread. We'd both been tainted by the Capitol. She deserved better than someone who could rip out her throat if their mind suddenly snapped. But it was so hard to keep up my resolve as my eyes scanned over her beautiful form.

"You're back." I could barely even believe she had spoken. Her voice was so quiet, so unlike her. The sound of it just pushed my self-restraint to the limit.

I nodded slowly, "Dr Aurelius wouldn't let me leave the Capitol until yesterday." I tried to keep my statement light, but also trying to explain my absence. "By the way, he says he can't keep pretending he's treating you forever. You have to pick up the phone." I smiled lightly, pathetically hoping I might get one in return.

"What are you doing?" Her brows furrowed, looking between me and the bushes as if she had only just noticed they were the reason I was crouched outside her house. I saw the realisation dawning on her as she recognised the bushes.

"I saw these in the woods this morning, I thought we could plant them alongside the house. For her." She just stared blankly at me, the fact that she hadn't immediately told me to tear them out of the ground was a good sign. "I know there's not many at the moment, I was going to fill in the gaps as I came across them." I babbled.

I thought I could see the slightest hint of a smile playing on her lips before it quickly fell, replaced by a steady nod. She was accepting the gesture, my heart almost jumped in relief. As if in slow motion, a chunk of hair fell in front of her face. I stared at the dark locks, immediately wishing I could run my hands through them like I had done before, gently push the hair from her face – letting my fingers brush against her cheekbone. But Katniss cut my fantasies short, briskly pushing the hair back herself. Only her hand stayed matted in her hair, it was only then that I realised it probably hadn't been brushed in days. It didn't matter to me, but suddenly she looked mortified – darting back into the house.

I wanted to call after her, but instead I focused back on the bushes. I made sure they were all anchored well, watered and fed before returning to my house. I didn't see Katniss for the rest of the time I spent outside, but I didn't expect to. There was only one way we would ever be able to reconnect, and it involved baby steps.


	2. Chapter 2

Hello/Welcome back readers!

I'm actually amazed by the number of views the last chapter had, i'm so glad people are reading the story, and going back to read I Found You

Your reviews last chapter were amazing, i'm just getting round to replying to them now. But a big thankyou to **Eliley, kelmikmag, Tommie328, Lovebird, Angels041630, jns1253, . .28, hothybridsex **and a couple of guest reviews. It honestly means the world to me to hear what you guys think, and you've all been so lovely! It's great to see old and new readers enjoying the new story

As always, a big thanks to my beta reader **ct522**

A quick disclaimer - none of the characters etc belong to me, they are property of the amazing Suzanne Collins

Happy reading!

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Katniss' POV

I rushed back into the house, up the stairs and to the bathroom. It was all too much, first Peeta was back – that in itself was a whole array of emotions I couldn't decipher, then there was the fact I'd let myself become such a state – displaying my weakness to anyone who looked in. I turned the shower on, giving it a moment to adjust to a suitable temperature as I glanced in the mirror. I was a mess, both inside and out. My hair was clumped and matted, falling unevenly around my shoulders. My face was sallow with black rings around my eyes and chapped lips. The most shocking thing were my eyes – completely empty. I quickly tore my glance away, refusing to let myself be weak any longer. Peeta looked better, good even. If he could fight his demons, I sure as hell could, too. I undressed and threw myself into the shower, barely grimacing as the water stung my back. It was hotter than I would normally set it, but I didn't care. I squeezed a more than adequate amount of the frothy shampoo my prep team had given me after the first games and scrubbed it into my hair. I had to admit, the fruity smell was a lot more pleasant than the stagnant odor I had been wearing. I let the suds flow down my naked body, watching as they stuck to the uneven patches of my skin where the scabs were beginning to shed, before washing them away – simply standing under the shower head as my hair fell in front of my eyes.

I stayed under the warm water until the ends of my fingers began to wrinkle; slowly I pulled myself from the steamy haven and wrapped myself in one of the thick woollen towels hanging on the rail. I was ashamed to say this was the first time I had properly showered since being back in Twelve. Any other times I'd even gotten close, I'd only let cold water run over my body before jumping back out and changing back into the clothes I had been wearing. This time I allowed myself to drip dry as I sauntered to my room, throwing my clothes into the corner of the room - fully planning on burning them rather than ever wearing them again, before dressing myself in a fresh long sleeved t-shirt and trousers. I ran a brush through my wet hair, amazed at how long it actually was. Of course, it was still uneven from where it had been burnt by the flames, but it was a lot more presentable than I had expected.

I slowly headed downstairs, scared I would be confronted by Peeta again, but when I peeked out the window the bushes were already planted and Peeta was nowhere to be seen. What a confusing mess we were, Peeta and I. I knew I still cared about him, loved him even, but why was seeing him so hard? I wanted nothing more than to jump into his strong arms, but somehow I knew I wasn't allowed to anymore. He had been through so much, and it was all because of how he was linked to me. The pain was back again once I thought of all the people whose lives I had ruined, that one person whose life had been cruelly taken from me. Just as I thought a sob was about to break from my throat I was disturbed by a clatter in the kitchen.

I noiselessly made my way over to the kitchen door, peering in to see Sae standing over a simmering pot of stew. Somehow, even my hunter's feet couldn't hide from her and she quickly spun round when she heard me coming.

"Oh, Katniss." She couldn't hide her shock as her eyes glanced over my freshly washed body. It made me feel even more ashamed of the mess I had let myself become. What would Prim have thought? "Well, it's good to see you so alert. Especially after last night."

I had completely forgotten about my own personal episode last night at the mention of Peeta's name. I must've scared everyone to death. At least Peeta had reasons for his episodes; I was merely an unstable girl slowly losing her mind.

"I'm sorry about that." I murmured. Sae simply shook her head, but she seemed too shocked to form words. I had hardly muttered more than two words to her, let alone in such a level tone of voice.

"I saw Peeta's back." If she saw the physical flinch my body made at the sound of his name, she didn't react to it. Nor did she push the matter any further once she realised she wasn't going to get an answer. I simply moved over to where she cooked and peered into the cooking pot. "It's a broth for a stew, I'm going to head into town in a bit, hopefully get my hands on some decent meat." Although food was no longer being kept from the districts, it was still slowly making its way to us in dribs and drabs, and I had gained knowledge from Sae that there was quite the debate for fresh meat from the stalls in the morning. It was easily early afternoon by now; Sae had no chance of scoring the good pieces of meat.

"I could go hunting." I spoke without thinking. But once the words were out I was shocked to feel the relief flood through me. I hadn't hunted since before the Quell, I hadn't even been to the woods since my return to Twelve. It was something I had been missing dearly, but hadn't had the strength to make myself do.

"Well, I can't say I'd turn my nose up at a nice fresh squirrel." Sae smirked at me, clearly happy that I was making steps away from my life as a hermit.

I found my father's old hunting jacket, revelling in the warm comfort of it against my damaged skin, and my simple bow and arrows; the ones I had always used to hurt, not the military engineered equipment Beetee had given me. Although I knew it was probably meant as a good-will gesture when he sent them to me, I quickly stuffed them in a box in the basement, refusing to be further associated with the war that took my sister's life. I braided my damp hair over my shoulder, enjoying the feel of having it under control for the first time in weeks. I headed out, planning to exit Twelve through the Meadow as I used to, only when I reached what used to be an expanse of lush grass I was greeted by a gaping hole. I didn't need more than a second's look to realise what the hole was being slowly filled with. Bodies. It was a mass grave of the bodies they came across while rebuilding the district. I suddenly hunched over, clutching onto my stomach as I willed the bile not to rise to my throat. Those were the bodies of people I'd known and spoken to every day, never knowing the fate we were going to face. I thought of Madge and her family, how they'd never made it out of Twelve. Were their bodies down there? Then I thought of Peeta's family – he'd never seen them again, were the bodies already in that deep hole?

The dry heave that sounded from my throat was enough of a warning that I needed to leave, this was too much, I couldn't bear to see anybody buried this way, especially people I had known. But at least they had been buried; their bodies had finally found a final resting place – no matter how gruesome it was. I tried hard not to think of Prim, how nothing of her had been returned to my family. We never got to bury her, or wish her good luck in the next life. She was simply part of the ashes of the Capitol in ruins.

It wasn't until I reached the Victor's Village that I realised I had begun to sprint home. My mind was refusing to take it all in, I just wanted to retreat back to my life of emptiness – at least there I didn't have to come face to face with the consequences of the rebellion.

"Katniss?" Sae called as I rushed up the stairs, she was still puttering round her bowl of stew when I had come through the door.

"I'm sorry Sae." I called down to her before slamming my bedroom door behind me. I couldn't explain it to her; I just hoped she understood I needed to be alone. I fell at the foot of the bed, clinging onto the duvet as I continued to dry heave at the thought of the mass grave taking over what once was a beautiful meadow. Everything was tainted now, even our memories. Eventually I managed to pull myself up onto the bed; before I let the tears overcome me. I must've spent the next hour sobbing before the exhaustion finally overcame me.

It was early evening by the time I awoke. I heard a clattering in the kitchen and assumed Sae must've had time to go home and return to make dinner before I had even stirred. I lazily maneuverer myself off the bed and shrugged off my father's hunting jacket, which I had fallen to sleep in. I hung it on the plush chair in the corner of the room before picking up my bow and arrows and standing them up against it. Instantly I felt ashamed of myself, I had left the house with so much hope, and hadn't even managed to make it to the woods. I never thought I would keep myself away from them.

I didn't bother trying to quiet my footsteps as I walked downstairs. I knew Sae wouldn't leave until I ate my dinner anyway. As I entered the kitchen a familiar smell hit me, it wasn't the stew which had been simmering away for hours, but the smell of fresh bread. It instantly hit a nerve; of course it would remind me of Peeta. He was only across the Village yet I still felt so distant to him. I spotted the culprit of the aroma, a golden brown loaf of bread sat on the work surface, I stared at Sae expectantly – she had never brought bread around before, and I knew of only one person in the district who she would've got such fresh bread from.

"Peeta brought it round while you were asleep." She explained before filling up a bowl full of stew and sitting it at my usual place at the table.

"Why?" I murmured, unable to even move over to the food laid out for me.

Sae shrugged before pouring herself a bowl. "He said something about baking too much, but I don't really believe that excuse."

I stared at her for a moment. Was she insinuating that Peeta had purposely baked the loaf for me? But why would he? We hadn't even spoken since the meeting of victor's back in Thirteen. First the bushes, and now the bread, was he trying to reach out to me? Sae began to cut the bread into thick slices before placing a couple down next to my bowl.

"Come on Katniss, before it gets cold."

I slowly lowered myself into the chair, taking a few lingering sips of the stew. But all I could concentrate on was the slices of bread lying alongside my bowl. I came across a piece of tough meat in my stew, frowning slightly at the texture. Sae must've brought the scraps of meat left from the market after my failure earlier.

"Sorry the meat's not great, wasn't much left." She seemed to notice my expression as I had a hard time chewing.

"No it's fine." I assured her, it was my fault anyway. I made a decision then and there that I would return to the woods the next day.

"You should try the bread, Katniss." She added after a while, I looked over to see she had already finished her pieces. "I have to say, no one can bake quite like a Mellark."

I nodded slowly, I knew how good Peeta's baking was, and there was no denying it. He had the same natural ability his father had. I slowly reached out to take the bread in my hands; I was amazed by the texture of it – so soft and fluffy between my fingers. Even after months away from an oven he'd managed to produce something so perfect. I gingerly brought the slice to my lips and took a small bite. Straight away I knew it had been made for me. Baked into the crust was a generous helping of cheese, it was just like a large cheese bun. I wanted to put the slice down, push away Peeta's visible attempt at kindness. I didn't deserve it; he had endured torture, hijacking, and Capitol hospitals because of his relationship with me. But I couldn't stop myself from eating it, letting the memories of cheese buns fill me as I let the taste linger on my tongue.

"Do you think he'll bring another loaf tomorrow?" I didn't know where the question had come from, and I instantly felt needy and pathetic for asking it – but it still didn't stop my heart from racing as I waited for Sae to answer.

"It wouldn't surprise me." She smiled knowingly.

"If he does…" I began, finding it hard to finish my sentence. I was debating with myself what I wanted. Of course I wanted to see Peeta, I still cared about him, but I also wanted to let him live his own life – he didn't need to be picking up the pieces of my broken life.

"Then what?" Sae probed

"Could you thank him?" I felt ashamed of myself, I knew he deserved more than my passing on of a message.

"Why don't you do it yourself? I'm sure he'd appreciate it more."

"I might be hunting." I blurted out as an excuse, it wasn't entirely a lie – I was planning on trying to hunt, but it didn't mean I couldn't make the short walk over to his afterwards.

Sae snorted lightly, "Well I can think of a better way to thank him then," I looked at her questioningly; maybe she wanted me to bring something back with him. It made sense that he was giving us food that the favour should be repaid. "We could invite him for dinner. Then you have more of an incentive to bring back some game."

I was frozen; I didn't know how to react to that. What would I even say to Peeta if he were in my home? It was stupid that I didn't even know how to react around him anymore. We'd gotten so close during the rebellion – I'd even admitted I loved him, something I had never been able to do for anyone apart from my family. Now it felt like we were just starting from square one.

"I was planning on catching some squirrels. I haven't had them in such a long time." I avoided her suggestion. It wasn't giving an answer, and I was leaving it up to her to decide what was best. I remembered when Peeta had mentioned how his dad had always bought my squirrels because I got them straight through the eye. I would have to make sure I lived up to his standards.

* * *

After a night of nightmares and little sleep, I woke the next morning with a newfound determination. I wasn't going to let Peeta or Sae think I was falling apart; it was my own burden to bear. I quickly pulled on some warm clothes, including my father's jacket which was still hanging on the chair, and armed myself with my bow. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, feeling the slightest hint of pride when I began to resemble the girl I had been before the games had changed my life. On closer inspection I'd have easily picked out the changes in me, but I didn't give myself chance to. By the time I bounded out the door, the sun was only just beginning to rise – when I reachthe woods the light would be perfect. I stole a quick glance at Peeta's house, a sense of familiarity filled me when I saw his kitchen light on. I guessed a baker could never change his body-clock.

When I reached the meadow I was grateful for the low light, I managed to avert my eyes enough to skirt past the edge of it towards the woods. I would have to go the long way round on my way back. I found myself entering the woods through my usual place, although the fence was no longer charged and was falling apart. It was easier to try and maintain my routine. Out of habit I found my way to my old meeting place with Gale and sat on the large rock we had perched ourselves on so many times. The thought of Gale tugged at my heart more than I would've expected. I wanted to blame him for Prim's death, someone had to be accountable. But losing my best friend was a pain much harder to bear than I could've predicted. In that moment I felt so alone; I'd lost the person I'd spent years building memories with, and I had no future to look forward to – I'd given up a future with Gale, where had that gotten me?

I forced myself further into the woods, I had to go home with some kind of kill – prove that I wasn't useless. I found some comfort in the early spring awakening in the woods, it was my favourite time of year, at least I had that to look forward to. The colour was starting to return to the bare space, I spotted a couple of Primrose bushes on my way. I remembered Peeta's plan to plant more of them as he came across him, so I left the bushes where they stood – not wanting to take that from him.

It wasn't until I heard a rustle above me in the trees than I seemed to remember my hunter's instincts. Instantly my footfall quietened and my ears pricked at the slightest sound. A few moments later I had spotted my target, a squirrel stood in the tree in front of me – busy grooming itself. I drew bow back, aiming carefully while a whole flood of memories washed over me. This is where I belonged, in the woods, doing the one thing the Capitol had never managed to take away from me. I let the arrow fly, grinning in satisfaction as the small creature fell to the ground. I jogged over to inspect my kill, frowning lightly when I saw I had managed to shoot it through the neck. It was still edible of course, but I wouldn't be leaving until I had achieved my goal.

I spent a good couple of hours hunting in the woods; by the end of it I had gathered a good handful of squirrels, although I was ashamed at how many of my arrows had missed their target completely. I guessed even I could get rusty when it came to shooting. I began to walk back towards the Victor's Village, making sure I didn't go anywhere near the gaping hole in the meadow. It took me at least half an hour longer to get home and I found myself almost falling through the front door. My legs ached in protest at the sudden physical activity after weeks of a sedentary lifestyle. I deposited the squirrels on one of the counters in the kitchen before practically dragging myself to the front room – depositing myself on the couch. As soon as my body sunk into the soft cushions I could feel my eyes beginning to droop, and soon I had fallen to sleep.

* * *

I woke up to the cracking of the fire, turning my head to see Sae leaning down in front of it as she coaxed it to life. She seemed to sense me waking and turned to face me, smiling lightly.

"Sorry, didn't mean to wake you dear." She chuckled lightly, obviously not very sorry for her actions.

"It's alright," I grumbled, rubbing my hands over my dry eyes. "What time is it?"

"A little after three, I bet you haven't eaten have you?"

I scowled for a moment, surprised I had managed to sleep for so long, but I was interrupted when my stomach growled loudly, as if answering Sae's question. She shook her head lightly before heading towards the kitchen, motioning for me to follow her.

"That's quite the haul you brought back today." She pointed at the pile of squirrels I had left for her.

I shrugged, "I guess once I started, it was hard to stop."

"I could rustle you some lunch with a couple of them?" She suggested, but I shook my head eagerly. I had shot them for a reason.

"No, save them for later. I'm not sure how many you'll need." I let my comment linger in the air. Had she spoken to Peeta? There was no sign that he'd brought anything round. Maybe the bread had been a one-off.

"I saw Peeta earlier." She added, obviously seeing straight through me. "He said he'd tried to bring some bread round for us, but it must've been when you were hunting."

"Oh?" I murmured, urging her to go on.

"Yes, I told him to bring it round later. When he comes for dinner."

I nodded quickly, probably too eagerly to pretend it didn't bother me. I could feel my heart racing at the thought of seeing Peeta. Yes, I'd seen him planting the blushes outside my house, but we'd hardly spoken. Sae seemed to notice my reaction and pushed me towards a chair, sitting me at the table.

"I'll make you something quick, and then you can get washed up."

I found it unusually hard to stomach the sandwich Sae had made it; of course it was made with slices of the cheese loaf I had left from yesterday. That probably didn't help soothe my anxiety. I was about to enter a situation I knew would be incredibly hard – I didn't even know what I was supposed to say to Peeta, that I was sorry I'd probably reversed all his progress? That he deserved a fresh start? It seemed an eternity before I managed to finish everything on my plate. Sae began to prepare the squirrels and I took that as my cue to head upstairs.

I untangled my braid, noticing I still had pieces of leaves and twigs trapped in it. I was thankful Sae had woken me before Peeta came round, it wouldn't help prove him that I wasn't a mess. The shower was much quicker than the one I had the day before, although I still forced myself to use the shampoo my prep team had left me. I didn't know why but it mattered to me that I look presentable in front of Peeta. When I changed I made sure to wear something that covered the burns which trailed over my body. I knew Peeta had them too, but it just felt like another weakness I would be forced to share with everyone. I quickly towel dried my hair and braided it over one shoulder before heading downstairs to help Sae with dinner. She'd already skinned the squirrels and had removed the meat from the bones. I noticed there was still a couple left over on the side; clearly I had gotten carried away while hunting.

"Is there anything I can do to help?" I asked Sae. She smiled and motioned for me to keep an eye on the vegetables she had boiling in a saucepan.

I didn't know how much time had passed, but dinner was almost ready when I heard knocking at the door. I froze in place, my hands glued to the work surface. Sae wordlessly walked towards the front door and I felt my heart jump into my throat when I heard his uneven footfall through the hallway. I could feel his presence in the room as he slowly walked in, but still I couldn't bring myself to face him.

"Hello, Katniss." His voice was strong, and strangely formal, but it was still him. I took a deep breath as I turned to face him. He looked different, he still wore the same signs of sleepless nights that we shared, but he looked good. Even better than when I had seen him the previous day – that probably had something to do with the fact he was washed up. I shamelessly let my eyes roam over his body, he had a loaf of bread tucked under his arm and was wearing a simple t-shirt and trousers, exposing a few of his scars. As much as I hated them on myself, he managed to make them look beautiful – it just showed everything he'd been through, and he'd still come out the other side. His hair had gotten slightly too long as was beginning to hang over his eyes, it took all my self-restraint not to cover the distance between us and brush it away. I never wanted to see those stunning blue eyes hidden. "Katniss?" He probed, giving me a lopsided smile, clearly not oblivious to my staring.

"Hi," it was all I could manage and my voice even began to waver at the end. How was it possible to be so awkward around someone who had meant so much to me?

"Is there anything I can do to help?" Peeta directed his question at Sae, sensing I wasn't up for much of a conversation.

"You can start slicing up that bread for us; I was just about to serve up."

"Ah, perfect timing then." Peeta grinned, placing the bread on the table before reaching past me to grab a knife from the block on the counter. I held my breath as he reached behind him, the proximity was almost intoxicating.

"Well, it is for you, since you got out of the hard work." I didn't know where it came from, I didn't even know how to try and be funny anymore. But as soon as Peeta grinned back at me, I was glad I'd said it.

"That was the plan." He winked at me before returning his attention to the loaf of bread. I was almost breathless after our slight interaction. On the outside, he seemed like the old Peeta, was it really possible?

Sae placed three plates on the table; I hesitated as the two of them chose seats, leaving me to sit opposite Peeta. I ate my meal in silence, listening to the two of them making general conversation. I let myself enjoy the moment, it was irresponsible of me to just let Peeta walk back into my home, but I was going to allow it. If after everything we couldn't at least be friends, then what was the point in trying to rebuild my life? I kept my eyes focused on my plate for almost the entire meal; it wasn't until I had finished my food that I allowed myself to look up. I instantly lost my resolve when I found Peeta staring back at me. His bright blue eyes pierced into mine, and I realised- if there was anyone worth trying for, it was Peeta.

* * *

Just a quick note, the chapters will not be alternating POV it will just be whatevers best for that chapter.

Also, I have a big issue to discuss with you guys. I originally wanted to rate this as an M just to be safe, but honestly. I care more what you guys think, I don't want to lose any readers who have stuck with the story since day one. So I need your opinion whether you would want M content or not - either way it's not guaranteeing it will happen as I have never written it before, so it wouldn't be very in depth.

I have created a poll so you guys can let me know what you think, fingers crossed if it has worked it will be on my profile


	3. Chapter 3

Hello again readers!

First off, I want to wish you all a very Merry Christmas! I hope you all have a great day. The next update will probably be slightly delayed as I doubt I will have much time to write over the next few days!

And as always a massive thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter; **awkwardautumn1021, dancingintherayne, iloveablueeyedboy, shadowed replica, ct522, eliley, jns1253, angels041630, chryssa, kelmikmag **and a guest reviewer. It always means the world to hear what people think and it really spurs me to keep writing, so please let me know what you think!

Lastly, a huge thanks to my beta reader **ct522 **who, as always, has done a great job this chapter.

Disclaimer - I don't own any of the characters etc, they all belong to Suzanne Collins

Happy reading! And have a lovely Christmas!

* * *

Once we had finished eating Sae and Peeta continued their conversation, so I busied myself by collecting the dirty plates. My face still felt as though it was burning under Peeta's gaze. I refused to allow myself another glance at him; I didn't want him to think I was purposely staring at him – even if I was. As I placed the pile of dirty crockery into the sink I felt someone walk up behind me, from the uneven footfall I didn't need to second guess who it was.

"Let me help." He murmured, reaching over to fill the bowl with warm water. I simply nodded and moved out of his way, grabbing a tea towel to dry the dishes.

We worked in silence, occasionally our arms would brush against each other and I could feel myself turn bright red every time it happened. I didn't know what was wrong with me, I'd never been so timid – yet with Peeta in the same room, I barely felt as though I could function. Sae had begun to busy herself by wiping down all the surfaces, and it just made the silence between us even more prominent.

"So, I heard they've started trading again in town." Peeta broke through the tension. I only shrugged, I knew about it – but I hadn't even been in town to share any further knowledge on the subject.

"Oh yes," Sae replied, after a few moments of waiting to see if I would formulate a sentence. "It's mostly dribs and drabs of whatever people get in off the trains. But it's a start."

"Do you reckon they'll reopen the Hob?" I asked all of a sudden, but I turned to Sae – making sure she knew the question was directed at her. The thought of the Hob reopening was something that filled me with hope; it was just another step towards normality in the district.

"Maybe, don't know if they'll be much use for it nowadays though." She sighed. It must've been hard for tradespeople like herself, with supplies undoubtedly becoming more readily available from the Capitol and other districts, it was likely people would just order in their own stocks.

"Well, people from around here are pretty stuck in their ways. I could see it happening." Peeta added, smiling at Sae. I quickly returned my attention to the plate I was drying. I knew what he was trying to do, but I wasn't ready for it yet. I was still debating with myself whether inviting Peeta back into my life would be a good idea.

"We'll see I guess." Sae muttered, more to herself than anyone else. She then turned to Peeta, a slight smile playing on her lips. "You know, I'm sure people could do with some nice fresh bread on the markets. You should bring some down in the morning."

Peeta froze at her suggestion, his hands completely stilling in the water. I stole a quick glance at him, not quite sure what to expect, and caught a glimpse of his eyes – now filled with sadness. "I haven't actually been into town yet…" he murmured, looking ashamed with himself. I wanted to tell him it was okay to be scared, I hadn't been able to make the journey myself yet. "But maybe I could leave some out for you to take with you? I wouldn't want to sell it anyway." He forced a small smile, and I found myself break out into a genuine one. Of course Peeta would just give away the bread he made, it was the kind of person he was.

"I think that's a good start." I blurted out, feeling the need to show him I agreed with his idea. It was more than I'd managed since coming back. Peeta's eyes shot up to mine, the shock was clear on his face. He tried to compose himself, offering a small smile - but it was too late and my eyes found their way back to the table.

Nothing else was said until the kitchen was clean. I liked the idea of it keeping him busy, he was a baker –it was a habit he would never break, and it seemed fitting that he should use his skills to help others. Once everything was put away Sae announced she had better leave, I looked out the window – only just realising how dark it had gotten outside. I followed her out to the door, giving her a quick hug and a thank-you for the meal, before handing her some of the leftover bread Peeta had made. I wouldn't be able to get through it all in one night, and I was sure her granddaughter would appreciate it for her breakfast in the morning. She waved goodbye to Peeta and me before walking out into the night, leaving us alone.

"Well, I should be going too." Peeta shuffled uncomfortably beside me. I slowly looked up at him, my eyes meeting his and refusing to look away. Something made me want to tell him to stay, I didn't want to be alone again, and even if I couldn't formulate a conversation around him – his company was enough.

"Okay," I murmured, instantly ashamed of myself for my lack of courage. He nodded slowly before walking round me.

"I'll see you tomorrow?" He asked hesitantly. I could see the fear in his eyes as soon as he said it.

"Okay." I repeated.

"Goodnight, Katniss." He smiled lightly, his hand reached out towards me before he dropped it – an expression of longing passing over his eyes before he shook it away.

"Peeta," I called as he began to turn away. I knew it was a chance to call him back, tell him to stay a little while longer. But I didn't know if I had the right anymore. Our relationship had changed, neither of us knew our feelings anymore, and I didn't want to push it before we were ready. He looked at me, and my confidence melted away. "Did you want any of this leftover bread?" I blurted out the first thing I could think of. Peeta broke out into a lopsided grin and laughed lightly.

"I think I've got enough." He smirked before heading back towards his house.

* * *

Over the next week we fell into a routine, Sae would come by early in the morning to collect Peeta's bread and leave me something out from breakfast, then head down to the market. I would spend my day hunting and try to bring back something for dinner, although some days were more productive than others – I was ashamed to say that on more than one occasion I had barely lasted half an hour before my body failed me and I would have to practically drag myself home. I tried to busy myself while home; showering as soon as I got in then spending the rest of my time finding odd jobs to do around the house – I still daren't go into town. I often went to visit Haymitch, although he had been in a bad mood most the week after drinking his supply of liquor long before the next train delivery. Sae would return to cook dinner, and I would often help her – my cooking was slowly improving but I certainly couldn't handle cooking an entire meal by myself without ruining it. Peeta would join us for dinner, indulging himself on stories of what was happening in town – often probing Sae for news. I still found it hard to throw myself into the conversation, but it was nice to just sit and listen. I still never found the courage to ask him to stay, and every day he would leave as soon as Sae would announce she needed to go home. That's when the fun would really start, as soon as they left I truly felt alone, finding myself wandering around the house meaninglessly until it was a reasonable time to go to bed. Each night I was plagued by the nightmares, waking up several times and casting my gaze out of my window towards Peeta's house – wondering if he suffered in the same way that I did.

Although the nightmares still plagued my nights, I couldn't deny that the days were getting better. I had only had one bad day in the week – where I hadn't even been able to move from my bed after dreaming of Prim's death. The day had continued without me, Sae had come and gone, and returned again for dinner along with Peeta, but I remained in my room with the door closed and lights off – wanting nothing but to be alone with my thoughts. The only time I had been disturbed was when Sae brought me up my dinner – a bowl of some kind of vegetable soup along with an assortment of miniature bread rolls. I had only managed a sip of the soup before my stomach churned, unable to stomach anything. I quickly dismissed the thought of eating, pushing the soup aside but making sure to wrap the rolls in the tea-towel Sae had brought up with my dinner, I couldn't bear to see them go stale. The next day I had managed to drag myself out of bed, and I was grateful that neither Sae nor Peeta brought it up, although I could sense a difference in Peeta every time he tried to steal a glance at me over dinner – I refused to meet his eyes, knowing I couldn't bare the sympathy in them.

It was during our dinner, exactly a week after the first one we shared; that I noticed something was different about Peeta. I noticed something was off when he didn't ask Sae and me how our days had been - as he always did as soon as he walked through the door. His silence continued throughout the dinner. It was Sae, who had to instigate all the conversation, and he barely gave her a word in reply, I found myself having to fill in the gaps to try and avoid an awkward silence. When I had finally managed to meet his eyes, they had a hollow look to them, it was more than the sleepless nights I knew he had grown accustomed to - as I had. It didn't feel right, our whole routine had revolved around Peeta's reappearance in my life, and overnight he seemed to have disappeared. His demeanour sparked something inside of me, and when Sae got up to leave, I knew I had to keep Peeta here. I said goodbye to Sae, making sure to close the door behind her as she left.

"I should probably get going too," Peeta murmured - his voice cold. I was about to let him walk past me, until I managed to summon the courage to stop him.

"You could stay?" I blurted out, feeling my cheeks flush instantly.

"I… I don't know Katniss." He stammered, although his eyes had gained a spark.

"I think we should talk." I pushed, refusing to let him leave now I had put myself out there. It felt so foreign to have Peeta turn me down; it was as if our roles had reversed.

"You want to talk?" He asked, his face softening into a confused expression.

"Yes," I murmured, walking into the living room and sitting on the sofa, motioning for him to follow me. He sat at the opposite end, almost perched at the edge of the cushion. "Are you okay?" I asked him slowly. "You've been quiet all night."

Peeta chuckled lowly, I frowned at him slightly – surprised at his reaction. "You're one to talk." He flashed a genuine smile and I couldn't help but grant him a small one back. It was pretty ironic of me to pick up on it, but it was more out of character for him.

"I know." I laughed lightly, before forcing myself to put on a serious face. I didn't like the thought of Peeta being such a closed book; he'd always wore his heart on his sleeve. "But seriously, what's bothering you?"

"Where do I start? He sighed, rubbing the back on his neck. I knew how he felt; it was hard to pinpoint any one thing which was troubling either of us. He looked at me, his eyes piercing into me as if he was trying to find out whether he should tell me.

"You can tell me," I breathed, unable to tear myself away from his gaze.

"I… I had a flashback earlier." He bit the inside of his lip and his eyes dropped from mine, I hated seeing him so defeated. "It was a pretty bad one."

"Oh Peeta," I sighed, my hand instinctively reached for him but I let it rest on the cushion between us. "What was it about?"

"It doesn't matter," he smiled sadly. I instantly assumed it must've been about me, most of his flashbacks were. I had been selfish in letting Peeta back into my home; I would always be a trigger to him.

"Was it my fault?" I asked quietly.

"No, Katniss." He replied quickly, reaching out to take my hand. He seemed shocked at his actions but I returned the grasp on his hand, unwilling to let it go now we were finally touching. "I was looking through old photos of the bakery, and it must've set it off."

I ran my thumb along the outside of his hand, trying to ignore butterflies in my stomach as my skin tingled against his. It had been so long since we'd had any kind of intimacy – it wasn't much, but it felt like I'd been waiting a lifetime for it. "Have you been to see it yet?" I asked him.

He shook his head, his eyes were clouded in sadness and I could've sworn they had begun to water. "I tried a couple of times, but I didn't make it out of Victor's Village."

I nodded in understanding, town had been something I had been dreading facing. I had no idea of the state it would be in, when we had visited Twelve while we were living in Thirteen, the district had been made up of little more than ashes. All the memories of my childhood had been wiped away, and I knew it must've been twice as hard for Peeta – knowing his family had been taken away at the same time.

"Maybe we could go together?" I suggested. I remembered how he'd struggled to visit his home when we'd visited the district. I had promised him back then that I'd be there with him when he tried again.

"Really?" He asked, and his eyes lit up as he looked at me. "I don't want you to feel like you have to."

"I want to," I assured him. I needed the support myself. "I made you a promise before, I plan to keep it."

A look of recognition passed across his features and he smiled slowly, as if remembering the conversation we'd had in Thirteen after visiting the district. "Thank-you, I really appreciate it."

"You don't need to thank me Peeta, not ever."

He smiled softly, before giving my hand a firm squeeze. "I've missed you, Katniss." He sighed.

"I've missed you too." I replied without hesitation, of course I'd missed him. We'd gone through it all – from enemies, to allies, then friends, and even more. Now it was like we were stuck in some kind of limbo, not knowing which feelings we were allowed to express anymore.

"I should probably get going." He sighed. He tried to stand up but I kept my grasp on his hand. "It's getting late; we should both get some sleep before tomorrow."

I nodded and stood up beside him, although I didn't agree at all. I knew my night would probably be filled with nightmares, especially knowing what I was going to face in the morning. Peeta seemed to sense my apprehension and smiled sadly, giving my hand one last squeeze before letting it fall to my side.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Katniss." He headed out the door before I even had chance to delay him any further.

* * *

As I'd predicted, I didn't find much sleep that night – only it wasn't due to nightmares. I'd found myself sitting awake for hours, unable to stop my mind working. Was I apprehensive about seeing Peeta? Sure, I'd seen him every day for the past week – but Sae had always been there to act as a buffer. Going into town would be intense for both of us, were we really ready to lean on each other like that? I thought of how his touch had instantly soothed me, how much I'd missed the feel on his comfort. I wanted more than anything to just let myself give into it – but how could I justify it? I couldn't bear to give my heart away when it was already so broken, and Peeta deserved more than a girl who triggered his worst nightmares. I had been too lenient during our time in Thirteen, I'd allowed myself to feel something I'd promised myself I wouldn't. I had seen what love had done to my mother, and now I was just letting Peeta back into my life. Only, there was one difference, things were certainly different between us. Did he even love me anymore? Did I love him? I didn't even know if I was capable of love anymore, loosing Prim had shattered me beyond repair. After hours of staring at the ceiling I came to a conclusion, I didn't have to love Peeta to be there for him. I'd promised him I'd go with him to town – it didn't mean I had to hold him. He deserved to move on with his life, and if helping him make his way into town would make a difference, I would have to ignore my own insecurities. Eventually I managed to drift often sleep only minutes before the sun began to rise.

When I made my way downstairs in the morning, Sae was already preparing breakfast. The thought of eating was enough to make my stomach churn, I wasn't sure I would be able to keep anything down with how anxious I was.

"You not going hunting today, girl?" She asked me as I sat down at the table. I was simply dressed in a long sleeve t-shirt and some loose trousers, not my usual hunting gear.

"Erm, no. I'm going to town." I answered hesitantly, not wishing to divulge any further.

"On your own?" Sae asked quickly, I could hear the concern in her voice. She knew I hadn't managed to make the journey yet.

"No, actually I'm going with Peeta." I felt my cheeks redden as she smiled knowingly at me. If only she knew the debate I had already had about it, then she would understand my true motives.

"Well just make sure you're both careful, I don't want you upsetting yourselves." She said sternly before placing a plate of toast in front of me. "I'd better be going anyway, my granddaughter wanted me to take her to the market this morning, won't be anything left if I don't hurry." I handed her a couple of pieces of the toast back, insisting she take some for herself, before she rushed out the door.

I barely forced down a couple of bites before a light rapping sounded at the door. I immediately knew it was Peeta, so I took my time walking to the door – making sure my hair was smoothed into my braid and my clothes were crumb free. I opened the door slowly, Peeta was stood with his hands stuffed into his pockets and his head looking down – making his blonde curls hide his eyes as he peeked up at me.

"Good morning, Katniss." He greeted me, his lips were pressed in a tight line – obviously he was as anxious as I was about this. "You ready to go?"

"Let me just grab my jacket." I murmured, in no hurry to rush out the house. I quickly found out one of the jackets Cinna had made me, relishing the warmth of the fabric as I pulled it over my arms. I had never been one to admire clothes, but Cinna's were always perfect. It was almost as if Cinna had modelled it on my father's hunting jacket, it was almost the same colour leather - but it was lined with a dark brown fur which poked out from under the cuffs of the sleeves and the neckline. It fitted better than my father's jackets; with it being designed for a woman's figure. It was almost as if Cinna had designed it exactly for these occasions, when for once I had something different than hunting to focus on. I walked back out to Peeta, pushing my hands into my pockets as he had done, and the two of us turned towards town.

Neither of us spoke for the entire walk, only muttering apologies when we occasionally bumped into each other. As we neared the town both of us seemed to slow in unison, I forced myself to look at Peeta and saw that he was already looking at me.

"Are we ready for this?" I breathed. Suddenly I needed his reassurance more than anything. He reached out and placed a hand on my shoulder, stopping me in my tracks.

"We don't have to do this… if you're not sure."

"No," I shook my head, we'd already gotten this far. I knew Peeta needed to see the bakery in order to try and move on with his life. I just didn't know how I would be able to help him through it. "I want to do this, as long as you do."

Peeta nodded slowly before tucking his hand back into his pocket and we both continued walking down the road. When we finally reached the town we were both taken by surprise. Most the rubble had already been removed and only a few buildings remained untouched. The rest had either been knocked down or renovations had started. In the middle of the square sprawled the market Sae had talked about. I was amazed by the size of it, although each stall only sold a couple of items – the amount of people buying and selling amazed me. Maybe our district wasn't as much of a mess as I had assumed. Peeta and I spent a couple of hours looking through the market, we even stopped to say hello to Sae and her granddaughter, and were greeted by former residents of Twelve who had returned. I tried to ignore the stares of the others who weren't brave enough to come and talk to us. It was hard to believe that even those who I had grown up around saw me differently now. Peeta and I both spent our money generously, having much more of it than we would ever need, and we then moved on to look at the rebuild of some of the shops.

"Well, I didn't expect to see you two around anytime soon." A male voice called from behind us. Peeta turned around and tugged me by the sleeve.

"Thom," I forced a small smile, Thom had worked with Gale in the mines, and the two of them had become quite good friends – seeing him only brought back unwanted memories of Gale. I had enough to deal with today.

"It's good to see you Katniss," he smiled at me before extending a hand to Peeta. "I'm not sure I've ever properly introduced myself."

Peeta took his hand and shook it heartily. "Thom used to come into the bakery to buy cakes for his sister." He explained to me.

"Speaking of which," Thom eyed Peeta cautiously. "I've been meaning to come up to your house. We've started work on that part of the town now. We actually surveyed the bakery – I hope you don't mind. I've written down all the details for you – just in case you were planning to salvage the building."

Peeta looked at a loss for words. I knew he hadn't even looked round the building properly, and I highly doubted he'd decided what he wanted to do with it. "I… I just need some time to think about it." He tried to keep a straight face as he looked at Thom.

"Of course, there's no rush." He insisted, "Just let me know if you ever want me to come round and talk about it." He looked between the two of us and smiled apologetically, "I won't keep you any longer, I'm sure talking business is the last thing you had planned today." He quickly said goodbye before practically jogging away.

Peeta's gaze quickly fell to the floor and I could see he had begun to clench his fists. I wasn't sure going to the bakery would be the best idea for him at the moment; thinking about his family was clearly a trigger for his episodes. I stepped towards him, cautiously raising a hand to reach for him – it had been a long time since I'd dealt with one of his episodes and I had no idea of the severity of them anymore. His eyes snapped up to me and stopped me in my tracks. Instead of being consumed by an episode like I had expected, they were rimmed with tears.

"Peeta," I sighed. I dropped my hand to my side, feeling utterly useless. I had no idea how to comfort him without tugging him into my arms. But we hadn't shown each other that kind of intimacy since we'd seen each other again. How did I know that it would be what he wanted?

"I'm fine," he shook his head before roughly wiping the tears away with the back of his hand. "Do you mind if we go somewhere else now?"

"Sure," I murmured, suspecting he probably wanted to leave town, we'd jumped straight into the deep end. Wordlessly, Peeta started walking further into town; I quickly followed him – finding it hard to keep up with his brisk pace. It was strange for Peeta to walk with such determination, especially since he'd had an artificial leg. He stumbled several times when his leg slipped on the rocky surface and I rushed up to support him, but he would shrug me off and continue marching forward. I soon realised where we were heading when we reached the untouched area of town. "Peeta!" I called to him several times, getting more frustrated each time he would ignore me. Eventually I gave up and jogged ahead of him, forcing him to come to a stop when I stood firm in his path. "Peeta, you need to think about this. Are you really ready?"

"When will I ever be ready?" He cried, I was startled by the aggression in his voice, but as soon as he saw my reaction he seemed to deflate in front of me. "I can't keep putting it off, Katniss."

"You're not putting it off; you won't be able to handle it if you're not ready. We can try again another time." I insisted.

"I'll never be ready. How can I let my family go if I can't even let a building go?" He sighed, bringing his hand up to rub the back of his neck. "I have to do this today."

I saw the determination in his eyes, and as much as I wanted nothing more to take him back to his house – to stop him going through the pain of seeing his family home, I knew it wasn't my place to decide what he did. All I could do was make sure I was there when he needed the support. I reached out and took his hand in mine, smiling lightly when I saw the surprise register on his face.

"Okay," I sighed. "If you have to do this, then at least let me be there with you." I held his hand tighter, relishing the feel of having him back within my grasp. "Don't push me away."

Somehow, Peeta managed to form a small smile, the corner of his lip barely tilting up towards me, but I could see it in his eyes. "I could never push you away, Katniss." I felt my heart flutter lightly at his comment; it reminded me of the Peeta I had met, the boy who could so easily talk about his feelings without batting an eyelid – whereas I had always cowered away from his affection. But this time I allowed it, we'd been in more intimate situations. Peeta slowly continued his walk towards the bakery, only this time he pulled me close – our sides practically flush with each other as we walked.

The sight of the bakery was enough to stop me in my tracks; Peeta had frozen completely still – his body as rigid as stone and his hand held mine in a vice-like grip. Amazingly, most of the front still stood. The firebombs must've blown through the back of the building. I sucked in a harsh breath as my eyes casted above the bakery to where the living quarters had been. They had been completely destroyed; I felt my heart pull at the thought of Peeta's family being caught in the explosion. The side walls had begun to crumble around the bakery, revealing the piles of rubble and dust inside. Some of the metal equipment had survived – although barely, but all the counters and tables had been burnt away.

I turned to Peeta, watching as his eyes casted over the building for a long time. His Adams apple bobbed slowly as he forced himself to swallow and tears had already begun to slide down his cheeks. He slowly looked towards me, his eyes desperately searching mine for answers, but I had none. There was no reason for his family being taken from him. After a moment he opened his mouth, as if trying to find something to say – but even Peeta could not formulate the right response in this situation. Instead he simply mouthed 'thank-you' to me, before turning back to the crumbling building.


	4. Chapter 4

Hello readers!

I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and New Year! I'm sorry i've been away from writing for a while, i've been super busy lately!

As always, a massive thankyou to those who reviewed; **Leah97, kelmikmag, dancingintherayne, jns1253, angels041630** and a guest reviewer. It means so much to hear what you guys think! Please all let me know your thoughts on the story!

And, of course, a huge thankyou to my beta reader **ct522! **

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters etc, they all belong to the amazing Suzanne Collins

Happy Reading!

* * *

Chapter 4

No matter how long I stood staring at the building, I couldn't recognise it as my home. The walls wouldn't suddenly rebuild themselves, nor would the oven burst back into life and the smell of fresh bread float out of the windows, and most of all my family wouldn't wake up in their beds and spend the day feeding the town their bread. No, this wasn't my home anymore, it was a shell of where my life had happened – a life which no longer existed. For the first time I hoped an episode would swallow me whole, take me to a place where I didn't have to feel the emptiness consuming me – but instead I was forced to feel the pain, and shed the tears that came with it. The one thing keeping me sane was the small hand clasping mine. I may have lost everything, but she was still here, and she knew loss just as much as I did.

I suddenly had the need to look inside. There had to be something I could salvage- a piece of my family which could heal the wound even the slightest bit. I walked towards the entrance, tugging Katniss behind me but she pulled me back. Her eyes bore into mine with an intensity I hadn't seen from her in such a long time.

"Peeta, are you sure?" She breathed. I thought back to when we had visited Twelve after the destruction caused by the firebombs. I had barely even made it outside my home then, and the memory had blocked itself from my mind during my therapy. But Katniss had braved it all on her own. I remembered walking up to her and seeing the crumbled mess she was on the floor. Of course she would worry about what it would do to me, but things were different now. We had to move on, and we had each other. I nodded firmly at her before stepping through the threshold of the bakery. The door had been burnt away, but the stone framework around it still stood – although barely. Inside was a different story. The building had been blown through from the back, knocking through most of the internal walls. engulfing the furniture in flames. Instead of the sickening nostalgia I thought I would feel, I felt empty. What was wrong with me? My family had died here, all because of the rebellion I had helped create, and I felt nothing.

I walked over to where the counter had been before, instead the floor lay scattered with shards of glass which had been smashed out of the old display units. I kicked them about with my shoes, hoping maybe to uncover something other than dust and brick – but nothing. I sighed and looked upwards, expecting to see the ceiling above me out of habit. Instead I was faced with the sky, and suddenly I had a hard time swallowing. I thought of all the years I had spent living up there. I'd grown up above the bakery – happily sharing a room with my two brothers. My stomach began to churn as I thought of all the mornings we'd spent eating breakfast up there – my mother continuously scowling at me whilst my brothers fought and my father nattering on about some new recipe he was thinking of trying. Every morning we'd have walked down to the bakery, my father would try to sneak us a couple of cookies to take to school with us, but of course our mother would swap them for the stale buns from the day before. I wondered if they'd been in here when the bombing happened, I knew my father probably would've been – along with my mother. God knows where my brothers would have been, after I won the games and shared my wealth with them, they'd stopped hanging around the bakery as much. I wondered what it had been like when the bombs had hit, would the force of them been enough to clear everything in their paths, or would the flames have slowly licked their way through the streets.

"Do you think they suffered?" I choked out, the lump in my throat becoming unbearable.

"No, Peeta." Katniss was suddenly at my side. "They were bombs, they wouldn't have suffered."

"How do you know?" I bit my lip, refusing to let the sobs escape.

"Because I saw it happen to Prim." Her eyes were already wet with tears, and I instantly felt awful for bringing up the subject. "It was over before I could do anything to stop it. Your family wouldn't have even known it was happening."

I couldn't take it anymore, I needed her comfort and I couldn't bear to see her cry in front of me. I reached out and grabbed her arms lightly, pulling her into my chest before wrapping my arms tightly around her. My heart almost stopped when she froze in my arms, I had pushed it too far, but then slowly her arms encircled around my back, pulling me into her.

"Why did they have to leave us?" I sighed, resting my head on top of hers. It felt all too familiar to have her in my arms. I knew the moment I had to let her go it would kill me.

"I don't know." She grasped onto my jacket, balling it in her fists as she held me tighter. After a few moments she began to release her hold on me, I reluctantly let my arms fall to my sides – instantly missing her warmth against my chest. It had been months since we'd even held each other, and now the distance between us felt unbearable. "Tell me about them," she spoke barely above a whisper.

"What?" I questioned, it seemed a strange request from her. I'd never really spoken much about my family.

"I want to know about your life here, before the Games."

"There's not much to tell," I murmured, most my life had been spent helping out in the back of the bakery after school.

"Please, Peeta." Her eyes glistened with tears as she looked at me. "You've only told me some things, but I want to know everything."

"Okay," I sighed, looking at her for a long time before I lowered myself onto the floor, patting the ground next to me for Katniss to sit down. I thought for a moment, trying to decide where would be the best place to start, Katniss smiled to me in encouragement. I began looking round the rubble for some kind of inspiration, instead I found myself imagining how the bakery had looked the last time I'd seen it. I began describing it to Katniss, I knew she had looked through the window with her sister, but she had never been inside. I told her about how my father had always let me decide which cakes were to be put in the front window display, it would sometimes take me hours to deliberate between them. Sometimes my father would have given up waiting for me to decide, and instead allowed me to decorate a whole new batch of cakes just so those ones could be put on display. He always preferred my work to my brothers, he even told me on occasion that I would become a much more skilled baker than he had ever been – although I could never imagine that. Especially when my mother would spend hours taunting me over a single burnt loaf of bread. I told Katniss about where the bread was made, gesturing over to the remains of the metal ovens out the back. We'd make the dough the night before, allowing it to rise overnight. Katniss looked almost appalled at the thought of waiting so long for food when it was readily available. Then I would wake in the morning and help my father score and cook the loaves. My brother's would take it in turns to help with the baking, as my mother often wanted their help setting up out front.

But life in the bakery wasn't always work, on days when my mother had practically worked us like slaves, my father would always allow me and my brothers to head upstairs early. It would result in hours of teasing between us, which would lead to play fights – and people wondered where me and my second eldest brother got our wrestling skills from. Our older brother was a little less physical than us two, although he was much quicker with his tongue. He was the first to work out my crush on Katniss, and had used it against me every day since. He would often tease that if I didn't do his chores for the day he would tell Katniss that I loved her. Even though I knew he never would I always caved. It was a strange relationship between my brothers and I, there was no affection between us like Katniss and Prim, we hardly ever even sat and had a conversation. But I knew that I loved them, and on the day I was reaped I realised that underneath it all, they loved me too. I managed to choke out the story of when my brother's came to say goodbye to me. It was the first time the three of us had ever shared a hug, and my eldest brother even cried as he clung onto me.

"Then why didn't they volunteer for you?" Katniss butted in. Tears had begun to form in her eyes. Of course she couldn't understand it, volunteering for Prim was the easiest decision she had made in her life.

I shrugged lightly, "we weren't brought up to love each other. It would've been too hard if we continuously worried about each other every time our mother went into one of her rages. It just kind of happened, I don't think they even realised they loved me until they had to say goodbye."

"Peeta, I'm sorry." Katniss whispered, but I shook my head lightly.

"I'm just glad I had a few months with them before the Tour. We finally had the chance to act like brothers." The thought tugged at my heart uncomfortably. It was just another part of my fate which was unfair, I had finally been given my brothers, just to have them ripped away from me.

Katniss nodded slowly in understanding. "I'm sorry you never got to grieve them properly, Johanna told me you had to go through it all again in the Capitol, because of the hijacking."

"It was strange, it was a different kind of grief. I was more upset that I didn't get to do it properly the first time around."

"Do you miss them?" She asked softly.

"Every day," I answered quickly. I woke up every morning thinking of the people I'd lost, and the life I'd lost when I'd been captured by the Capitol. I never got to see my family again, I wasn't the same person I used to be. The only good thing I had gained was the girl sitting next to me – whatever she was to me now.

Katniss silently stood up and dusted herself off before extending a hand to me. "We should go Peeta, you shouldn't torture yourself." I took her hand and let her pull me from the floor, but instead of letting go I tightened my hold on it, her words burrowing deep into my mind.

"Shouldn't I?" Of course I felt the burden of my families deaths, along with many others.

"Of course not, it wasn't your fault." She replied sternly.

"Then whose fault was it?" I asked her, exasperated. There had to be some reason for those people's deaths.

"Mine!" She almost shouted, her face seemed to have drained of all colour and her eyes were already red rimmed. "We both know the truth Peeta, I was the one Snow hated, he firebombed Twelve to hurt me. But he ended up hurting you."

"Katniss, no" I couldn't bear to let her blame herself. She already had so many burdens that I didn't want to pile anymore onto her shoulders. She should have known me well enough I would never blame her, but the anguished look in her eyes told me otherwise.

"Don't, Peeta. I don't need you to comfort me." She began to chew on the inside of her lip, trying to fight back the tears which were forming in her eyes. "I think that's enough for today." She croaked before running out of the bakery. By the time I had stumbled after her she was already out of sight.

I wanted to follow her, I made it half way down the street before I accepted that my attempts would be fruitless. Even if I caught up with her, she wouldn't want to talk. The last thing I wanted to do is create awkwardness between us by trying to force my way in too soon. I ignored people's stares as they watched me stumble down the road, they'd obviously seen Katniss flee past only moments ago and were already whispering about it. I could only imagine what they thought of us, we were both faces of the rebellion and we had returned to our district as broken young people. I casually changed my direction towards the train station; I also had an errand to run – one which I hadn't told Katniss about. For the past week I had been speaking with Delly on the phone, she had returned to the Capitol a week after my arrival in Twelve – just like she'd agreed, but it wasn't long until I received the call that she and her brother would be moving back to Twelve. I'd promised to help her with the move, since her only relatives in Twelve were her elderly grandparents. We'd agreed that she would send her boxes a couple at a time and I would keep them in my house for storage – until she managed to find herself and her brother somewhere to live. Her old home had been above her parent's shoe store, just like mine had been above the bakery, and her store had been mostly destroyed during the firebombs.

I took my time walking to the station, marvelling at the work which had already taken place in the district. The rebuilding had started around the Justice Building and spread towards the station before working into the Merchant section. Much of the Seam area and where the Hob had stood remained untouched - apart from the market springing up daily. I assumed the idea was to create a good impression on any visitors to the district, although I doubted we'd had any. The only people I'd heard of arriving were previous residents who had made the decision to return home - along with the occasional newcomer from Thirteen. The Justice Building had undergone a significant amount of work done of the outside, I had no idea what it looked like from the inside. I had heard from Sae that the government had sent builders in specifically to work on the Justice Building. It seemed selfish of them to only provide help on the government buildings, but I also understood their urgency in reintroducing authority into the districts. Of course, it had been designed to look much less imposing than it had been back during Snow's reign. The large grey slabs which had once adorned the outside had been replaced with much homelier looking red brick, there were also many more windows than before. It made the place look much more inviting, and I imagined it would be much brighter inside than it had been during the times I had been inside.

Eventually, I arrived at the train station - still with a couple of minutes to spare before the train pulled in. The station itself seemed to have undergone the biggest transformation. I had always been amazed by the stations which had been crafted in the other districts, they all had the purpose of trying to outdo each other - and provide a lasting impression of the district. Ours had always been the opposite, serving only its basic function - it had been comforting in a way, returning to the station immediately made me feel at home, there was no showiness about it, just the simplicity of life in Twelve. Now, however, it boasted a new shelter which ran the length of the platform. The outside walls and roof were built of rows of glass windows, all of which were frosted with intricate designs, apart from the back wall which was built of the same red brick which had been used on the Justice Building. Although the new stand was impressive, it still held a strange simplicity in its design - one which didn't impose on the rest of the district. The floor was paved with a grey marble. Scanning my eyes across it a noticed a small pattern which was carved into the marble every couple of meters. On closer inspection I immediately recognised the symbol. It was the Mockingjay from Katniss' pin. The one which had been used to spark the rebellion. I felt a surge of pride that our district had been allowed to boast its most valuable asset - Katniss herself. She had helped bring us all freedom, even if she didn't see it that way herself. I dreaded to think of how she would react to the new station.

I tore my gaze away from the carvings when I heard the familiar horn of the train arriving. It was strange how comforting the noise of the train actually was. The first time I had ever been on one was when I had been taken to the Capitol for the first games - one of the worst times of my life. But that was easily outweighed by the time Katniss and I had spent together on them during the victory tour. Returning to the train had become our solitude, and seeking each other's company at night had been a comfort I had never been able to find elsewhere. I waited as the train pulled up alongside the station, and the attendant began to unload the parcels which had been sent to Twelve. There wasn't a huge number of them, but they were all large in size - I assumed that like Delly, many other people had begun sending their belongings back to their home district. It was only as I walked over to the pile of boxes that I realised I wasn't alone on the platform. Others quickly gathered their own boxes, trying to disguise their glances as they looked over at me. I would never get used to the fame Katniss and I had gained after the Games, especially when it came to the attention I got from people I had grown up around. Once everyone had taken their parcels, I stepped up to take mine - finding a single box with my name and address scrawled on top, as well as a small envelope taped onto it. I smiled lightly, instantly recognising Delly's soft handwriting, it was still the same rounded style she had used when we were children - it was strange how I could remember something as simple as that.

I balanced the box in my arms, surprised at the weight of it, Delly had pointed out this was only the first of many boxes to come. I had no idea how she and her brother had accumulated so many belongings during her stay in the Capitol. The size of it made it a task to see, and I could barely peek over the box to see in front of me. I slowly made my way back to the Victor's Village - sure that my journey would take much longer than I had anticipated - Delly would owe me big time.

Katniss' POV

I had practically crashed through my front door after leaving Peeta at the ruins of the bakery. My body was shaking from the effort to take in air. It was probably the most physically strenuous activity I had forced upon myself since coming home. I was ashamed of myself, once again I had left Peeta to suffer on his own. For some reason, he wanted my comfort - but I simply couldn't give it to him. He deserved better. It was too hard to bear the guilt of his family's deaths on my shoulders. It only added to the long list of people I had hurt by my actions. If only I had just killed myself in the arena, leaving Peeta the solo Victor. His life would've been painful at first, but eventually he would've been able to enjoy it with his family, he could've even found himself another woman; someone who wasn't broken and would provide him with the life he deserved. I was nothing but a barrier to his recovery - if only he would realise it and let himself move on. But that thought alone made me feel empty. What would I do without Peeta? I couldn't imagine life without him, he still meant everything to me - even if I didn't know what to make of our relationship anymore. It was strange to think we had been so close in Thirteen and during the war, now it was like we were starting again. But this time I could allow Peeta the life he deserved, not a life of becoming lumbered with a waste like me - even if it would kill me in the process.

I spent the afternoon sitting at the window, looking out into the small green in the middle of the Village, waiting for Peeta's return. I wanted badly to apologise to him, but at the same time I knew I should keep my distance. I was only teasing myself by letting us become close again. All I needed was clarification that he was alright after I had left him alone in the bakery. The sickening feeling entered my stomach at the thought of what I'd done, he could've had an episode - anything could've happened. I could almost feel the blood draining from my face as I dug my fingernails into the window sill. I had been a terrible friend to Peeta, I had promised myself that above all else I would still be a friend to him, and I had abandoned him when he needed it the most. My grip on the windowsill never slacked the whole time I watched out the window. Hours seemed to pass, and I realised Peeta had been gone much longer than he should've been. Suddenly, I couldn't take anymore. I practically jumped to my feet and rushed to the front door, swinging it open with such force that I could've swore it rocked on its hinges. But when I looked across the Victor's Village, there stood Peeta. He was juggling a large cardboard box in his hands while stumbling across towards his house. He seemed to sense the ruckus from my door and his head spun round to me.

"Oh, Katniss." He smiled warily at me, clearly concerned after my disappearance earlier. "Are you... alright?"

I suddenly felt self-conscious under his gaze. "Yes, I'm fine." I answered a little too abruptly, I was too busy scanning him for any signs of an episode. "Are you?"

He shrugged lightly, of course he wouldn't be alright, he had just visited the ruins of his past life. "Can we talk?" He asked slowly.

"Erm, sure." I didn't like the idea of talking, I knew Peeta would try and make me feel better about running away - when really it was me who needed to apologise for my actions.

"Let me just drop this off at home, then I'll come over, if that's alright." He smiled warmly at me, making me feel even more guilty.

"Yes, of course." I murmured, my eyes travelled over the box - settling on the postage label on the top. I couldn't imagine what Peeta would've ordered from the Capitol. "What is that?" I asked, pointing at the box.

"Oh, it's just a few of Delly's things." He explained. I frowned lightly, why would Peeta have Delly's belongings? And why would he be taking them to his house? An unmistakable wave of jealousy flooded over me as I jumped to the most obvious conclusion. I knew the two of them had been close in Thirteen, and she'd spent a lot of time with him in the Capitol.

"Delly's moving in with you?" I blurted out, unable to keep the accusation out of my tone. Delly always seemed the better choice for Peeta, and although I had already come to the decision that I would have to let him go - I didn't think he's find it so easy to move on.

Peeta chuckled lightly, his eyes never leaving mine. "Of course not, I'm just storing them for her, until she moves back."

"Oh," I murmured, feeling the red flush appear on my cheeks. Peeta's eyes were still trained on me, curiosity filling them as he studied my reaction. "Are you sure you don't need a hand back to your house?" I asked quickly, trying to move the conversation on.

"No, I'm alright. You're not even wearing shoes, Katniss." He grinned widely. I looked down to my bare feet, and I realised in my rush to find Peeta I hadn't even put on shoes or a coat. "I'll come straight back over, I promise."

I knew he would, and although I couldn't deny I wanted his company - and to apologise for fleeing earlier. I already dreaded the conversation. We needed to draw the line under our relationship, I was no good for Peeta, and I had to make sure he realised that.


	5. Chapter 5

Welcome back readers! I hope you all enjoyed the last chapters.

Reviews were a couple fewer last chapter, I hope that's not a comment on the quality of the chapter. Hopefully I'll hear form more of you this chapter! But as always, a massive thankyou to those who did review;** ct522, leah97, eliley, **and** kelmikmag **it really does mean the world to me to hear what you think, especially when it's such lovely comments!

and a huge thanks to my amazing beta reader **ct522** who has done a brilliant job - as per!

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters etc, they all belong to the amazing Suzanne Collins

Happy reading!

* * *

I quickly made two cups of tea for Peeta and I while I waited for him to return. It was some kind of herbal tea which had been sat in my cupboard since my family had first moved into the house. I figured it was about time I used it - my skin was still ice cold from being outside earlier and my preoccupation with waiting for Peeta had distracted me from lighting a fire in the front room, plus making the tea helped keep my hands busy instead of them trembling with anticipation.

"Katniss?" Peeta's voice called out into the house as he closed the front door behind him, he had been true to his word and had come straight over after leaving the box at his. Although truth be told, I could've used a few more minutes to compose myself.

Wordlessly, I walked out to the door, noticing how he still appeared awkward as he lingered in the entranceway. I felt the corners of my lip tilt upwards as he peered at me from behind his blonde mop of hair - he really needed it cutting. I was glad my hands were filled with the two cups, otherwise I was afraid I wouldn't have been able to control the urge to push his hair back so I could see his eyes clearly.

"I made tea," I said simply, handing him one of the cups. The aroma coming from the herbal concoction was a strong one and Peeta wrinkled his nose slightly as it wafted up to his face. He grinned sheepishly when he noticed I had seen his look of disapproval.

"So..." he murmured, the awkwardness between us was becoming unbearable - it was so unusual for Peeta to be at a loss for words.

"You've been speaking to Delly?" I asked, trying to find any subject which could delay what we really needed to talk about, plus I couldn't help indulging the jealous demon within me which always awakened at the thought of their friendship.

"Come on, Katniss." Peeta groaned.

"Well what do you want to talk about?" I snapped. I knew it was irrational, I had already admitted to myself that we needed to talk, but I didn't like not being in control of it.

"Can we sit down?" He asked, awkwardly swaying between his legs. I would've preferred to be stubborn, but knowing his artificial leg often made his stump sore I gave in and led him over to the sofa.

"Look, Katniss." He started.

"No," I butted in. "I need to apologise. I can't believe I left you there earlier. You just deserve so much better than my company."

"What?" He asked dumbfounded, he quickly set his cup down before reaching out for me, letting his hand rest on my knee. "How could I possibly deserve better?"

I groaned loudly, I knew Peeta would never accept what I was saying - he'd always placed me on a pedestal, a position I'd never deserved. "Peeta, don't you understand. I ruined your life, and I will just continue to ruin your progress. You deserve a life without me in it." I could feel the tears beginning to sting in my eyes.

"Katniss, you never ruined my life. You saved it!" He cried, the exasperation clear in his voice. "I'd have died in that arena if it weren't for you! And you helped so much with my recovery."

"The only reason you needed to recover was because of me!" I cried back, unable to take his compliments. He opened his mouth to argue but I cut him off. "You've lost everything because of your relationship with me; your memories, your bakery, and your family."

"No!" He shouted, both his hand clasping the top of my arms. "Don't you dare blame yourself Katniss, it was Snow who did all those things, not you."

I let out a short sob, unable to suppress the tears anymore. Without even giving me time to react, Peeta had me pulled against his chest, his arms wrapped tightly around me.

"You give me a reason to live." He whispered into my ear. My hands instantly clung onto him, balling his jumper in my fists as I pulled him impossibly close. My tears had already soaked through the patch where my face met his chest, but I couldn't bring myself to pull away. I needed him, no matter how selfish it was, I realised I'd never actually be able to let him go.

"Why is it so hard?" I croaked.

"I don't know," he answered honestly, pulling away slowly so he could look at me. "But you're not alone Katniss, please don't run away from me anymore. I can't take it when you do."

I nodded, unable to find the words to say. I made myself a silent promise to stand by him, no matter how painful it was for me. I owed him that much.

"I've missed you, Katniss." He mumbled lowly. I frowned slightly, we'd been talking again for a couple of weeks. But slowly the realisation dawned on me, yes we'd been talking, but it was nothing like our old relationship. Even when we had simply been friends, we'd been closer than we were now. We'd become stuck in an awkward limbo since the end of the war, but it felt like we'd finally begun to break through some kind of barrier.

"I've missed you too." I sunk my shoulder into his chest, letting myself slip back into his arms.

We sat in a comfortable silence, Peeta began playing with the end of my braid, running it between his fingers. His eyes were cast over my head at the coffee table which sat in the middle of the room, I could feel him shuffling underneath me to get a better view, and I looked up at him, noticing he was frowning.

"Are all those letters?" He asked, looking pointedly at the pile of unopened envelopes.

"Urm," I tried to interrupt Peeta before he could look any further, but he had already jumped up from the sofa and was kneeling down by the table.

"Katniss, these are all unopened." He tutted loudly, chuckling to himself as he began to sift through the pile. His face grew dimmer as he reached the bottom of the pile. "These are dated months ago, have you opened any of your post since coming back here?"

"No," I replied bluntly, feeling quite embarrassed at the visible evidence that I had not been coping well. I hadn't been able to touch the letters, knowing they provided contact with the outside world.

"They're from all over Panem!" He exclaimed. "Have you even spoken to anyone?"

"I spoke to Johanna," I replied, it wasn't a lie. We had spoken that one time on the phone, although I was sure Peeta was looking for something more significant. He slowly shook his head at me.

"Katniss, you know I keep in touch with Johanna. She's been complaining that you don't take her calls."

"I took one a few weeks ago!" I cried, trying to defend myself. But the exclamation sounded ridiculous; one call didn't count as keeping in touch with people.

"All these people care about you Katniss. You should read these." He began sifting through the pile, arranging it into several smaller ones.

"What are you doing?" I asked, edging myself off the sofa and onto the floor next to him.

"You can tell by the postage stamps where they're from. I thought you might want to tackle one district at a time. Then you have a good idea of who sent them before you even open them."

"Who says I'm going to open them?" I narrowed my eyes at him.

"Me," he smiled smugly. "Just trust me on this one."

"Fine," I almost growled, feeling myself giving in to him almost immediately. He had made so much progress, and I was still wallowing in my own grief. I had to prove to him that I could try. "So where are we starting?"

He pointed to the piles, there was a pile of letters from the Capitol, District Four and District Two. I immediately pushed aside the letters from Two, there was only one person I knew who lived there, and I wasn't ready to hear from him yet. Peeta eyed me curiously as I did so, but didn't open his mouth to protest. My hand wavered over the letters from the Capitol; surely they'd be the easiest to deal with, I had no tight bonds with anyone there.

"From the handwriting, most of them are from Dr Aurelius." Peeta filled me in. OF course he'd know his writing, he actually kept in touch with him. "He'd love to hear from you Katniss, he does need to make a progress report."

I shrugged my shoulders, "I don't really feel like talking to him." I began splitting the pile further, coming across a more cursive handwriting.

"That's from Effie." Peeta explained quickly. I could see the small smile playing from his lips as he recognised her writing.

"Did you see her much in the Capitol?" I asked him, Effie had always been very fond of him, and Peeta had the patience to see past her materialistic attitude. It wouldn't have surprised me if they'd become closer.

"She would come by and visit quite a lot. She talked about you all the time." He laughed lowly.

I scoffed at his comment, "probably about how bad my manners always were."

He laughed louder at that. "She's a good person really Katniss, she misses you a lot."

"Maybe I should start with her then," I mumbled. It seemed as good a place as any. She had become a friend, but not so much that it felt painful to think of her. I picked the latest dated letter and began fumbling with the edges of the envelope, trying to pry it open with my shaky finger tips.

"Do you want me to leave you alone to read them?" Peeta asked. I could clearly see the worry in his eyes, perhaps fearing he'd pushed me into this too soon.

"No," I replied quickly, handing the letter to him. I needed his support now. "Could you read it to me?"

"Are you sure?" He asked, looking at me apprehensively. I nodded my assent, and slowly he began to tear through the envelope, pulling out a perfectly folded piece of golden tinted paper. It was crisp to the touch, and I could've sworn it smelled of Effie's perfume. He stared at me for a long time, obviously trying to assess my stability, to try and ease him I made myself more comfortable on the floor by pushing one of the decorative cushions underneath me. He smiled warmly at me, providing me with the last bit of courage I needed, before he slowly unfolded the letter. "Dear Katniss," he begun, clearing his throat. "I realise we have not spoken since I last saw you in the Capitol, how very rude of me. I thought you might like to hear about how things have been changing here. You'll be delighted to know that fashion has changed quite considerably, in fact I've been led to believe that many people have begun wearing their hair braided just like yours. You are still their hero Katniss, we all love you very much here. But there are such big things to come! I really hope to see you here soon to enjoy them all with us. I have reason to believe that Plutarch has been working on getting a large party to celebrate our new nation. Unfortunately the clean up here has taken much longer than we had anticipated. Of course, we also had to demolish all those buildings that reminded us of the games - President's orders." Peeta took a break, waiting to see my reaction. So far I wasn't surprised, of course the most pressing thing on Effie's mind would be how her life had changed in terms of fashion and lifestyle - rather than focusing on the bigger picture. "I have to tell you the real reason for my writing, Katniss. I want to apologise for my behaviour towards you, if I ever shamed myself in front of you. What a wretched person you must've thought me when we met. I want you to know, I have always truly cared for you and Peeta - you two were the ones who opened my eyes to Snow's awful behaviour. I will never be able to apologise enough for the Capitol's behaviour, you deserved so much more than what we gave you. Hopefully one day I will see you again, and then I can prove to you I am a changed woman. Oh it would be so wonderful to see you dear." The tears had already begun to prick at my eyes, I had judged her so harshly. I should've known better, even the purest Capitol bred citizens had seen change during the rebellion - but more than that, Effie had been a friend. She had cried alongside us as we were reaped the second time, and I knew it had been so hard for her to let us go back into another arena. Peeta noticed the change in my demeanour and smiled softly at me before returning his attention to the last part of the letter. "I do hope you are looking after yourself, Peeta tells me he will be leaving for Twelve soon. Promise me you will take care of him once he arrives. He's been progressing so well - he's such a sweet boy. He talks about you all the time Katniss, it's rather endearing, and I do wish someone would dote on me as that boy has always doted on you." Peeta chuckled lightly, his cheeks reddening somewhat at Effie's admission of his behaviour. "And I suppose I should also remind you to look out for Haymitch, he will drink himself to death if he is not careful. Don't put yourself out, mind, he has always been so impossible in the past. And so my final words to you; be happy, you deserve it more than anybody I know. Deep in my heart I hope one day to be able to see a true smile grace your face."

Peeta silently handed the letter to me, in beautiful handwriting she had signed her name at the bottom, stamping alongside it the Mockingjay symbol. The tears suddenly slowed down my cheeks as I held her letter tight in my hand. She had always thought me so miserable, and she considered Peeta my only chance at true happiness. But would I ever deserve to be as happy as she hoped? I looked up at him, he was already looking at me intently - concern in his eyes.

"It doesn't even sound like her." I forced out, trying to keep my voice as even as possible.

"The war changed us all, Katniss." He said slowly. He was right, none of us had been the same since. I knew I was a shell of the person I used to be, Peeta suffered from his flashbacks, if possible - Haymitch had become more of a recluse.

"At least some may have changed for the better," I murmured, my eyes casting over Effie's letter.

"Yes, I guess," he shrugged lightly, "she was always a good person, Katniss. She just had been taught the wrong things."

I nodded slowly, I could see that now. I always knew Effie had our best interests at heart, and she truly believed the Hunger Games was an honour that any child would've jumped at the chance to grasp. I felt slightly guilty for constantly judging her, maybe even she was a better person than I was now.

"And what about me?" I asked Peeta. He furrowed his brow slightly, not understanding what I was leading on to. "How have I changed?"

Peeta stared at me for a long time, my stomach churning uncomfortably. He always knew the right thing to say, which meant he couldn't think of anything which would please me. "You haven't changed, Katniss. You might feel like you have, but deep down you're the same girl." He replied after a while.

What did that mean? I had been selfish to Peeta, and I had caused so much hurt and death - did that mean I had always been a bad person, and Peeta believed I still was? I bit the inside of my lip, willing myself not to cry. I never would be a good person, especially compared to the boy sat next to me. I didn't hide it well enough though, Peeta noticed the tears in my eyes and knelt down in front of me, clasping my hands in his.

"What I meant is that you're still the same strong, brave, amazing girl that you have always been." I just rolled my eyes at him. "Even your stubbornness is something I'd never change about you." He chuckled lowly, placing a hand under my chin so I was forced to look at him. "You haven't changed, Katniss. Because you were perfect to begin with."

I felt my cheeks warm, and suddenly I felt powerless under his gaze. There he went again, always so perfect with his words. "I'm not perfect, Peeta." I argued, he looked at me doubtfully. "I'm broken, I can barely even drag myself out of bed some days. I've been home for months and the most I've done is go hunting and walk into town with you. You're wrong, I have changed. I'm weak."

"You listen to me, Katniss." He said sternly, his eyes turning serious as they bore into mine. "You are not weak, nor are you broken. You're grieving, you lost the most important person in the world to you. But look at you! You're still here, you're still managing, don't you understand how strong you've been to make it this far."

"She'd be ashamed of me," I murmured, silencing any argument he wanted to make by placing my finger over his lips. "You lost your whole family, yet you're having to comfort me. You've been through so much and still you want to help me. I don't deserve you as a friend."

"Don't," Peeta interrupted, pushing my hand away from his mouth. "Don't you ever say I don't deserve you. You're the reason I'm here, Katniss. You helped me get over the hijacking, you never gave up on me."

"I'm also the reason you had a relapse after I shot Coin, I'm the reason you got hijacked in the first place, and I'm also the reason your family is dead! I ruined your life Peeta, how can you even stand to be near me?" I realised by the end of my sentence that the tears were pouring down my cheeks. Peeta began to wipe them away with the tips of his thumbs but I roughly pushed him away, unable to take his comfort.

"That's not true, none of that is your fault Katniss. You need to stop blaming yourself for what Snow did. "He begged with me, his arms trying to find a way around me without my protests. "Please don't push me away Katniss, I need you."

My stomach involuntarily flipped at his words. I didn't know why, but those words had been something I'd been waiting to hear since I'd come back to Twelve. I needed Peeta to need me in his life, otherwise I couldn't bring myself to force my way into it. My mind wandered back to another time we'd spoke similar words - on the beach during the Quarter Quell. Peeta had reminded me of all the people that needed me at home - my family, but now those people weren't even in my life anymore, he was. I remembered how he'd said no one needed him. I couldn't bear to let him think he was unwanted, I needed Peeta.

"Can you remember us on the beach, in the Quarter Quell?" I asked him. He nodded eagerly and I felt the relief flood through me. If his relapse had made him lose that memory, I didn't think I'd have ever forgiven myself. "I still need you Peeta, just as much as I did then, if not even more."

Peeta leant forward, cupping my face in his hands. He smiled so softly and I could feel the butterflies stirring in my stomach. He was so close that my lips tingled in anticipation. I wanted to kiss him, I didn't know where the desirehad come from, and it had probably been there all along. I wanted to be able to hold him when I wanted, just like I had done before he'd been kept in the Capitol. But now I wasn't so sure of his feelings, I used to be so certain of his love, and now it was like I couldn't read him at all. His thumbs brushed along my jawline, those beautiful blue eyes searching me - silently asking if it was okay. My only reply was to part my lips slightly, my breath coming out in a short gasp as he ran his thumb across my bottom lip slowly, as if he were trying to remember what they felt like.

"Katniss," he breathed. I leaned into him slightly, letting his hands support me as they wound their way round to the back on my neck. I could feel my heart beating a million times a minute as I waited for him to move, until suddenly the front door opened behind us.

"Katniss, are you home?" Called Sae as she closed the front door behind her. Peeta suddenly pulled away from me, letting his hands fall quickly to the ground. I turned away from him quickly. Now that I was no longer lost in the moment I felt mortified, I was ready to practically throw myself at him and he hadn't even hinted at his feelings for me since he'd come back to Twelve. I suddenly rose to my feet and turned away from him as Sae peeked her head through the door. "Ah, I thought you would be home. I bought some meat from the market since you weren't hunting today." She peered past me as Peeta pushed himself up off the floor. "Oh perfect, another pair of hands. Come on you two, dinners not going to make itself." She quickly walked out of the room and towards the kitchen, leaving Peeta and I alone again.

"Katniss, I..." he began.

"Come on, we shouldn't leave Sae to do all the work." I quickly interrupted him, wanting to get out of the room as quickly as I could.

The evening went on as usual, I refused to let Peeta and I dwell on what had happened earlier. I couldn't believe I had let myself slip so easily, I wasn't good enough to be with Peeta. Even Haymitch had pointed that out to me a long time ago. I would allow myself to be his friend, I knew I wouldn't cope if I cut him out of my life altogether. But I couldn't provide him with the relationship I knew he wanted. I forced myself to fall into my usual routine – finding some comfort in its familiarity, although I found myself avoiding Peeta at all costs, unable to look at him without feeling my cheeks burn bright red. I could tell Sae sensed some kind of tensions between us as she kept casting concerned glances my way. After I shook my head at her she simply carried on as normal – not indicating anything to Peeta. Once we had cleared away after dinner, Sae bade us her usual goodbye, giving Peeta a quick hug before I walked her to the door.

"Thanks again Sae, I'll see you tomorrow." I said as we reached the door.

Sae chuckled lightly as she fastened her coat around her, "You don't have to thank me everyday child." She shook her head before extending her arms to me. I walked into her embrace, although I never returned it quite as heartily as she did. As I pulled away she held me by the shoulders, pulling me close so her mouth was at my ear. "Whatever he's done dear, don't be too hard on him."

"He hasn't done anything," I assured her as I pulled away. She merely winked at me before heading out the door. My stomach dropped as I watched her walk away from the house, realising now I was left alone with Peeta. I would die if he tried to talk about what happened. I didn't have long to dwell on it before I heard him walking behind me.

"I should probably get going, it's been a long day." He murmured, his eyes never meeting mine. I suddenly felt awful, it was as though we'd found ourselves back in the same situation we had been when he came back to Twelve.

"You don't have to," I blurted out before I even had time to filter my thoughts. My stomach churned nervously as his blue eyes finally met mine. He smiled sadly for a moment before sighing.

"I'm sorry if I pushed you too far earlier." His eyes bore into mine, as if searching for the answers before I even had chance to speak. Had he pushed me too far? I couldn't deny that I'd wanted to kiss him. I missed the intimacy we'd once shared. Maybe I'd led him on to think it would be okay for us to resume our relationship. "I didn't mean to upset you by making you read those letters." My heart dropped as I realised he wasn't even on about our earlier encounter. Had it meant nothing to him? Peeta hadn't even hinted that he still felt that way about me – maybe the situation had only seemed intimate because I still had those lingering feelings for him. My eyes swept over his body; he'd put on weight since arriving back as his muscles were already beginning to fill back in, they then found his way to his face, focusing on his lips – how they almost called to me. I could feel the heat radiating from my body as I stared at him, slowly he arched one eyebrow up at me, noticing my staring. I cleared my throat quickly, trying to hide that I had been eyeing him.

"You didn't," I insisted, "I needed to read them."

"Then maybe we could do some more another time." He smiled warmly at me, suddenly I felt the awkwardness melting between us.

"Tomorrow?" I added quickly, feeling almost embarrassed at my eagerness. But as Peeta laughed lightly I didn't care anymore.

"If you're sure." He eyed me with concern, to which I just nodded. "Well, I really should be going. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Okay," I replied softly, wishing he didn't have to leave.

Peeta stared at me for a while, I looked up at him questioningly and he leaned forward slowly. He heart jumped into my throat as his face neared mine. He froze mid-air, as if second guessing his actions. I could feel my heart beating in my ears as I waited for him to make up his mind. Was he going to kiss me? I knew it would ruin everything if he did, but it didn't stop me from craving those full lips on mine. I closed my eyes as I sensed him coming closer, and suddenly I felt a pair of warm lips settle on my forehead.

"Goodnight, Katniss." He murmured, his lips barely even lifted from my skin and I could feel his breath tickle through my hair. I opened my eyes slowly, scared that he had seen me close my eyes in anticipation of his kiss, but instead he had already stood straight and was smiling broadly at me – as if he hadn't even touched me. Before I had chance to even move, he had swung the door open and strode out into the night. I stared after him, frozen in place. Slowly my brain began to process what had happened, and the realisation of my dilemma began to dawn on me; I wanted Peeta, badly.


	6. Chapter 6

Welcome back readers! I hope you all enjoyed the last chapter.

Reviews picked up a bit next chapter (yay!) Although it would be nice to hear from a few more people! Although, still a massive thankyou to the dedicated fans who review nearly every chapter! But as always, a massive thankyou to those who did review;** leah97, eliley, dancingintherayne, kelmikag, livetoariel, angels041630 **and** zbethg **it really does mean the world to me to hear what you think, especially when it's such lovely comments!

and a huge thanks to my amazing beta reader **ct522** who has done a brilliant job - as per!

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters etc, they all belong to the amazing Suzanne Collins

Happy reading!

* * *

Peeta's POV

As I walked through my front door I sighed loudly, running a hand through my hair before rubbing the back of my neck roughly. What had I been thinking? I was already letting myself slip in front of Katniss, practically forcing myself on her. I should've known better than to try something so stupid when we weren't even back to being fully functional. I headed straight upstairs, feeling a shower was the only thing which could ease my mind. I quickly undressed as I let the water run, the damp mist filling the room. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, my hair was practically hanging over my eyes, almost shielding them from view. The only part of my eyes which were clearly visible were the dark bags underneath them. I'd still been suffering from nightmares, and I doubted that would ever change. The only thing that had ever eased them was Katniss' company – but that was a luxury I was no longer allowed to indulge in. I had put on weight though, which was something I was glad of. I'd always had a muscular frame from my work in the bakery, but since the rebellion and my time in the Capitol I'd lost most of my muscle mass. It made me strangely self-conscious, and along with the scars which traced over my body, I'd began to dread looking in the mirror.

I stepped into the shower, letting the water beat down on my head, trying to block out any thoughts of my earlier actions. Why did I always insist on being so open with my heart? When would I learn that Katniss only ever moved at her own pace, besides – I knew there was no future for us now, although it didn't stop me wanting one. I couldn't help but let my mind wander back to the events in Katniss' house. Firstly she'd allowed me to read the letter to her, something I'd never expected her to do. She was always such a private person, and had openly shared her grief with me. Even if the letter was only from Effie. And then there was the moment I'd held her face in my hands, I relished in the feel of her soft skin under the tips of my fingers – even hours after it was as though I could still feel the tingle of her touch on them. My mind then moved to her face, how her lips had parted ever so slightly – had she been meaning to protest? I couldn't even process it as the thought of her full lips captured by full attention in my mind. But she hadn't protested, she didn't even flinch. I frowned slightly, in fact, she'd seemed willing to allow me to touch her. It felt almost similar to our time together in Thirteen – the way she used to melt into my touch. Surely she couldn't have wanted me to touch her? Earlier in the night she'd been practically trying to end our friendship, but nothing could deny the desire I'd seen in her eyes.

Could it really have been true? Did Katniss want me to touch her? She'd wanted me to once, surely it could happen again. But so much had happened since then. Suddenly I had to step out of the shower, the heat had risen through my body and I could feel my face flushing bright red. God, I wanted Katniss to want me. I would've given anything to go back to how we'd been – we'd been so close to being together, and my episode's had ruined it. I had to come to terms with the fact that they'd probably keep ruining things between Katniss and me.

I trudge through the house, subconsciously finding my way to my bed, and threw myself down on it. I didn't even bother to dry myself or change out of my towel. I just wanted to sleep, I couldn't think about Katniss anymore. It hurt too much to think of everything we'd shared that had been cruelly taken away from us. Our whole relationship had been built upon tragedy, but I'd loved her since I was 5 years old. I wasn't going to give up easily.

I woke up the next morning, my neck stiff and sore after falling asleep with wet hair. I sat up in bed slowly, realising that I had wriggled my way out of my towel and all my body was exposed to the freezing air. I groaned loudly. Why was I always so dysfunctional as soon as I thought about her? I pushed myself off the soft mattress and shuffled across the room, throwing on the first clothes I came across in my closet. I quickly tried to tame my hair, which was sticking up in all different angles after drying against my pillow. I couldn't help but roll my eyes at my appearance, what a great impression she'd have of me when I went round to see her. I found myself wondering which letter she would pick today. Effie's letter had been hard enough for her, I couldn't imagine how she'd take one which was from a friend. Although, Effie's letter had held much more heart than even I'd imagined she'd possessed. I smiled a little as I thought of her, how much she'd tried to help me while in the Capitol. She'd come and sit with me for hours, nattering on about the most minor things in her life which seemed like a massive disaster to her. I laughed imagining how Katniss would've reacted to her nonsense. But I'd found it comforting; there was a consistency in Effie which helped keep my mind at ease. I'd had no link to her during the rebellion, and strangely she helped me figure out the truth with some of my memories.

I spent the morning following my daily routine, baking several different types of plain, wholemeal, and seeded loaves for Sae to take to the market with her. She'd returned several times with her pocket-full of money but I refused to take it, insisting she took it straight back to those that had offered it her. I would only ever charge if I reopened the bakery. The thought tugged at my chest instantly, I still hadn't made my mind up on the future of the bakery, and even though Thom was being ever patient with my decision – I knew he couldn't wait forever.

After I finishing my baking I bagged up my goods and left them outside the front door for Sae to pick up, she always collected them in-between leaving Katniss' and heading to the market. Knowing Katniss would probably be hunting after her breakfast, I sat myself down with a couple of thick slices of warm toast and melted butter before I began the laborious task of cleaning the kitchen. I had never been a tidy cook, I could never understand how the flour seemed to get in every nook and cranny whilst I worked. My father had been the opposite, hardly ever making a mess outside the small area he was working. He'd always found it amusing how much of a state the bakery would get on the days I worked – my mother found it less entertaining.

When I'd finally finished, I looked up at the clock noticing it was already nearing 11 in the morning. I knew Katniss had to be back by then, it was much too late for hunting. I quickly threw on the first coat and shoes I found and headed across the Village towards her house. I scolded myself slightly as I practically jogged there, I had never been one to play it cool with Katniss - but I highly doubted my eagerness to see her would be reciprocated. As I reached the door, I quickly smoothed down my hair the best I could before knocking several times. I crossed my arms over my chest as I waited for her to come to the door, only just realising how icy cold the wind was outside. I looked over my shoulder and began to take in my surroundings. I'd been so wrapped up in seeing Katniss that I hadn't even noticed how dull the sky was. Looked like we were in for some interesting weather.

"Peeta?"

Her voice made me turn back round suddenly, she was smiling lightly – amusement in her eyes.

"Oh hey," I blurted out quickly, unable to stop myself from smiling back at her. "Sorry, you're not busy are you? I could come back later…"

"No, now's good." She insisted, stepping back from the door to let me in. She closed the door behind me and walked into the front room, settling herself down by the pile of letters. "I've already picked out which I want to read next."

"That's good," I encouraged her as I sat down next to her. It was good to see she was driven to reading the letters, I hated thinking I was pushing her into something she wasn't ready for. She handed me the letter she had chosen, one look at the handwriting told me it was from Dr Aurelius. I knew she was trying to get the un-emotional letters out the way first, although I couldn't help but feel slightly disheartened that she hadn't gone for a more challenging one. The Katniss I had known wouldn't have been able to stop herself from going for the hardest choice. "Did you want me to read it?" I asked, and she nodded slowly in reply.

Dr Aurelius' letter was mostly as I expected; short and to the point. I wasn't surprised to hear that Katniss hadn't been contacting him, and he was trying to get her to reply in any way. Even though I knew she needed to talk to him, I couldn't help but laugh every time she rolled her eyes at his letter. After the first letter, she handed me a pile of the others he had sent her. We went through them all, although most of what they contained was the same. Even so, a couple of hours had passed by the time I finished his last letter.

"I'm not going to ring him." She spat out as soon as I put down the letter.

I looked at her for a moment, noticing the smug pleasure in her eyes at defying me. She knew she was going to start up a debate with me.

"Katniss, you have to." I tried to reply sternly, but I could already feel the corner of my mouth twitching upwards.

"Why? He's all the way in the Capitol. What's he going to do? Set you on me?" She smirked at me, knowing that was probably exactly what he was going to do.

"What? You're not scared of me?" I raised my eyebrows at her and she simply grinned back at me. We both knew the answer to that question. "But seriously, Katniss." I scooted closer to her. "You do need to call him, it's part of the terms of your release."

She groaned loudly, looking annoyed at me for a moment before she let it go. "Why do you have to be responsible about everything?"

I chuckled lowly at her, reaching out to take her hand in mine. I was surprised at how quickly she grasped my hand back. "Because I want what's best for you." She opened her mouth as if to say something, when we were interrupted by a loud rumble of thunder. I'd been right about the weather.

My stomach churned uneasily as the thunder rolled on, Katniss too had turned quiet. Both our eyes were fixated on the window, waiting for the next round of noise. Suddenly the quiet room was filled with the sound of rain pelting against the glass, followed by the flash of lightened. My whole body tensed, flashes of memories from the Quarter Quell flooded back to me. I could feel my hands trembling as I pushed myself to my feet. "I should go," I said quickly. Katniss tore her gaze away from the window and looked at me with concern. "If I don't go now, I'll end up being trapped here with this weather." I forced a small smile, but I could see she didn't buy it.

"Oh, okay." She murmured, standing up beside me. "Are you alright?" She asked.

I quickly nodded and threw my coat on, I knew I probably wasn't convincing her, but I wanted to get out of there before I had chance to get any worse. I walked over to the door and waited for her to join me. She looked up at me, her eyes wide with concern, and I instantly felt bad for worrying her. I knew she probably hated the storms as much as I did.

"Remember what I said about Dr Aurelius." I placed a hand on her arm, giving it a gentle squeeze. I quickly turned to the door and pulled it open, instantly greeted by the rough winds and a spray of rain. "I'll see you tomorrow." I assured her, before walking out into the rain.

By the time I reached my house I was already soaked and shaking heavily. I couldn't tell if it was from the cold or if an episode was coming on. I forced myself to walk through the house, eventually finding my way to the table in the kitchen. My body practically fell into the small wooden seat and it creaked loudly in protest as my weight pounded down onto it. My hands were trembling so violently I grasped the edge of the table, digging my fingers into the wood as hard as I could. I wasn't about to let something as stupid as a storm send me into an episode.

* * *

Katniss' POV

As soon as Peeta left I regretted letting him go. There was clearly something wrong and I'd just let him walk straight out the house. If I hadn't been so preoccupied with the storm, I might've been able to process his actions more clearly. I rushed to the window, watching Peeta for as far as I could see him through the rain, until I could see the hazy light from his house once he'd gone inside. I tried to keep myself busy, not used to having the rest of the day to myself. I began to tidy up the letters Peeta and I had been through, my eyes casting over Dr Aurelius' handwriting. I sighed loudly as I thought of Peeta's advice. I knew I had to call him at some time, otherwise I'd be violating the terms of my release, but it didn't make me want to anymore. Suddenly I snatched up one of the letter in my hand and strode over to the telephone, punching in the number he'd scribbled down at the bottom of the page. I needed to prove to myself that I wasn't weak, but as the phone began to ring I noticed my hands were shaking. A flash of lightening lit up the room and I quickly slammed the phone down, tonight was definitely not the right time to convince Dr Aurelius of my sanity.

Instead I found myself staring at the phone as the room lit up several times around me. My eyes lifted to look at the window, the rain had let up somewhat and I could see more of the Village, but my gaze still fell directly on Peeta's house. I wondered if he was okay. Before I even knew what I was doing I found myself pressing the speed dial button which had been set up for his house. I waited as the ringing of the phone sounded for a couple of minutes before I was sent through to the answering machine. I frowned to myself, I knew Peeta was home. I pressed the button again, but the phone rang out a second time. I bit the inside of my lip nervously as I raised my position to try and get a clearer view out the window. But his house showed no hints of where he was. I tried him one more time, and just as the phone was about to cut out he answered.

"Hello?" He sounded breathless.

"Peeta, are you alright?" I asked quickly.

"Katniss?" He recognised my voice, but hesitated before saying any further. "Sure, w-why wouldn't I be?" His voice sounded uneasy and he seemed to be stuttering slightly.

"You seemed a little on edge earlier… and you didn't answer the phone." I was glad I was speaking to him over the phone as I could feel my cheeks burning. I sounded almost desperate to hear from him.

"Its... it's just the storm." He was almost choking out his words by the end of his sentence. And then it hit me, he was on the verge of an episode. I should've noticed the signs when his hands had begun to shake earlier. If the storm could make me feel uneasy, I had no idea the effect it could have on Peeta. I could hear his short, sharp breaths coming through the phone as he tried to calm himself.

"It's not real, Peeta." I blurted out, both my hands were held tight around the phone. "Whatever you're seeing, it's not real."

"It's all these memories, Katniss. The storm's triggering them all."

"How can I help?" I asked desperately.

"Just keep talking, I need your voice to focus on." I nodded, even though I knew he couldn't see me. I racked my brain for anything to talk about, but my life involved little more than seeing Peeta and Sae and hunting, so I began to tell him about how my morning hunting had gone. I began by telling him how I'd woken earlier enough to see the sun rising, it was almost the perfect orange that he loved. Even as I hunted the sky had stayed a bright blue, it was only after I came home that the weather had turned grey. I told him about how I had wasted a good five arrows on one squirrel because I had startled it before shooting – I'd been so infuriated with myself that I shot blindly after it. Peeta even managed a breathy laugh at my story. I felt a warm stirring in my stomach, finally I felt like I was actually doing something to help Peeta. I was in the middle of telling him about the small group of deer I had seen – it was still too early in the year to see so many of them, and I'd been so startled by the sight that I'd been mesmerised into watching them – when the power suddenly cut out, silencing the line between Peeta and I. I sat clutching the phone to my ear, hoping that his voice would find its way back to me, but instead I sat in the silence, letting the dark consume the room.

I sat frozen in my seat until the storm had subdued significantly, I felt awful for not going to see Peeta, but I felt almost paralysed by fear. I spent the rest of the evening in a daze, still not feeling fully recovered after the shock of the storm. It was the first time I'd seen lightening since the Quarter Quell. I managed to force down some toast, Sae didn't come round for dinner as the rain was still heavy. But I was glad for the solitude; the last thing I wanted was someone trying to look after me. When I finally deemed it late enough to go to bed, I made my way upstairs, barely even focusing enough to change into my nightclothes before falling beneath the covers. I knew I wasn't going to find sleep easily, so instead I let my eyes wander to the window and stared out into the Village. I hadn't closed the curtains, and I soon regretted the decision once the storm wound itself back up again – and soon the lightening returned. I turned over so I was facing the wall and drew the blanket up over my head, waiting in the darkness until I finally found sleep.

* * *

My eyes couldn't adjust to the brightness as the sunlight beamed brilliantly through the gaps in the trees. I brought my hand up to my eyes, shielding them from the light the best I could as I tried to take in my surroundings. The lush greenery seemed familiar, although it definitely wasn't my woods. I turned round and instantly my stomach sank. Through the trees I could see a beach, and beyond that the Cornucopia. I was back in the Quarter Quell arena.

"Katniss!" Her voice broke through the woods as clearly as if she were stood next to me.

Prim.

"Katniss, Katniss help me!" She screamed. My heart jumped at her voice, I hadn't heard it in so long. I ran blindly towards the sound, trying to find where she was. As I ran through the thick of trees the Jabberjays began to stir around me. I halted suddenly, it wasn't here. I'd been through this before, it was the birds. I stared up at them, which of them was it? But none of their mouths were moving.

"Katniss!" Her screams were becoming more desperate, and suddenly they sounded a lot more distant. My feet moved at their own accord towards the noise. It didn't matter that I knew it wasn't her. I couldn't ignore her cries.

I bounded towards the sound, my ears finally able to decipher where it was coming from. I pushed my way through a thick patch of plants, only to come face to face with the last person I'd expected.

"Prim," I gasped. She wasn't supposed to be here, it was meant to be the Jabberjays. I let my eyes fall over her, taking in everything I remembered about her. Her golden blonde hair which fell at her waist, those big blue eyes which were always so full of hope, one of the beautiful dresses I'd brought her with my winnings - it had been her favourite of them all, she'd changed into it almost immediately, exclaiming repeatedly how amazing it was. But something was different about her. She was sad, her eyes glistened with tears and there was no trace of the usual smile she wore. I stepped towards her but she just continued to stare blankly at me.

"Why don't you help us, Katniss?" She almost whispered.

I looked around blindly, there wasn't anyone else there.

"What's wrong Prim?" I asked desperately. But my eyes suddenly caught a shimmer behind her. It reminded me of the kinks in the force fields which Beetee and Wiress had taught me to spot. The shimmer worsened until a shape began to form within it. Slowly I began to recognise the person within. It was Peeta. Once he had fully materialised he slowly raised his hand, placing it on Prim's shoulder. His eyes were stony as they met mine. I didn't have time to process his emotion as more shimmers began to appear. First materialised Haymitch, then Johanna, then Finnick and Annie, and lastly Gale appeared beside Peeta. He placed his hand on Peeta's shoulder, as Peeta had done to Prim.

"She won't help us." Gale grunted.

Suddenly the world in front of me erupted into flames. I screamed out, flailing uselessly towards the fire, but I never seemed to get any closer. I could hear their cries of pain as the flames lapped their skin. The last thing I saw was Prim's face, just as I had done the day the bombs went off, only this time Peeta's joined her – both wide eyed as they looked at me one last time.

* * *

I woke up in a pool of sweat, my throat dry and sore from screaming. My hair was plastered to my forehead and I pushed it out the way roughly as my head swung from side to side, desperately trying to take in my surroundings. I could barely breathe, my heart was hammering so rapidly in my chest. I tried to take in deep breaths, but only ended up spluttering helplessly. I tried to convince myself it was okay, it was just a bad dream and I was safe. But she wasn't. Prim was still dead, and I would continue to play her death in my mind over and over. All my friends' lives had been changed by me in some way, my minds drifted to Peeta's face in my dream. How he'd looked at me so helplessly. He needed my help and I had failed him. Just like I had done earlier.

Suddenly I was out of bed, almost tripping over my feet as I bounded down the stairs. I rushed out into the night without even a second thought to what I was wearing. I didn't care as the rain pelted down on my head, soaking through my thin nightclothes almost instantly. I could feel the mud splashing across my feet an up my calves as I ran, but not even the pain of the rough ground on my bare feet could stop me. I almost slammed into Peeta's door I was running so hard. I quickly pounded on the door, calling his name. I hadn't even thought about what time it was, but I didn't care – I needed to see him.

"Peeta!" I screamed, moments before his bedroom light switched on. I could hear his rushed footfall as his prosthetic smacked against the floor with each step.

He yanked the door open, and instantly my eyes found his. They were wide and searching me in panic. "Katniss, what the hell are you doing?" He cried, reaching out and pulling me inside. Just the sight of him made the tears well back up in my eyes, and suddenly his arms were around me, pulling me into his chest. My drenched clothes quickly soaked through his but he continued to hold me tight.

"Peeta," I sobbed into his chest as I wrapped my arms around him, my hands grabbing onto him as if he were going to disappear any moment.

"Shh," he cooed as he placed a hand at the back of my head.

"I had… I had a nightmare." My words coming out in gasps in between tears.

"You don't have to explain." He pressed his lips against the top of my head, which just brought on another round of tears. "Katniss, you're shivering. You need to get out these wet clothes." He let go of me slowly, as if he were scared I would fall apart. For the first time I looked down at myself, my shorts and top were slicked against my skin from the rain, and I couldn't help but notice how Peeta's eyes wandered before he quickly averted them.

"Can I stay here tonight?" I croaked. I couldn't bear to be alone – and I'd denied myself Peeta's company too many times.

"Of course you can," he raised his hand to cup my cheek, smoothing his thumb over my skin. "Do you want me to run you a bath? You're freezing."

"No," I quickly protested, placing my hand over his. "I just want to go to sleep."

He nodded slowly before drawing away from me, but keeping his hand entwined with mine as he led me upstairs. On our way to his bedroom he quickly grabbed a large towel, which he handed to me once we were inside.

"I'll find you out something to wear, my clothes will probably fall off you though." He laughed awkwardly. I smiled lightly back at him, grateful for his attempt to make me smile. He began rummaging through the chest of drawers before he returned to me with a t-shirt and a pair of soft jersey bottoms. "I'll sleep downstairs tonight, is there anything you need?" He asked.

"No," I reached out to take his hand again. "I want you to stay with me." My eyes bore into his, pleading him to allow it this one time.

A smile slowly seemed to reach his eyes as he looked down at me. "Always," he murmured.

I felt as though my heart had jumped up into my throat as I stared at him. Instantly I was taken back to the promise he'd made to me before. We'd met our hurdles along the way, but Peeta had always stuck by me, always come back to me. He'd kept his promise, and I was going to make certain he would continue to keep it now. I dropped the clothes to the floor, reaching out to cup Peeta's face in my hands. My fingers tingled with anticipation before the even met his skin, and once they came into contact it was as if the warmth from his body seeped through them, quickly reaching every part of me. I let my hands remain on his face for a moment as I took him in, that beautiful face that I dreamt of so often. Those kind eyes that had always been my biggest comfort. I let my hands fall to the back of his head, all the while he kept my gaze. His eyes meeting mine with an intensity I hadn't seen from him since we'd been together during the rebellion. I found myself biting my lip, and his eyes casted down to them, the look of hunger suddenly filling me with all the courage I needed. I weaved my hands into his hair and pulled his face down slowly to meet mine, pausing slightly as our lips were almost touching. I glanced up to meet his eyes before looking back down at his lips. I felt as though my heart had stopped, and finally I took the plunge, sealing our lips together. Both of us remained unmoving at first, purely taking in the feel of each other, then soon our lips recognised each other, beginning to part and move slowly – re-enacting a dance that I'd been secretly missing for such a long time. There was no denying it now, I needed Peeta as part of my life, as more than just my friend, and it didn't matter what was against us – we'd always find our way back to this.


	7. Chapter 7

Hello again readers! I hope you all enjoyed the last chapter - I know its what you've been waiting for!

Sorry for the delay with getting this one out, i've been mega busy with starting back at uni. It might be a little wait for the next chapter as well

I was so happy to see the amount of reviews last chapter! Thank you guys so much; **danilykewoah, zbethg, fyrebirdrises, leah97, ojsmybestfriend, eliley, writergurl56, kelmikmag, jns1253, dancingintherayne, angels04163**0, and a guest reviewer

and as always a massive thank you to my beta reader **ct522** who did a great job on this chapter

Disclaimer - I do not own any of the characters etc, they all belong to the amazing Suzanne Collins

Happy Reading!

* * *

I let myself get lost in the moment: the only thing that mattered was the satisfying warmth of Peeta's body as he pulled me closer to him. I didn't let myself over-think what was happening, only letting myself sink into his mouth as it moved with mine. I didn't even blush as a sigh left my mouth when his hands roamed my hips, and even slipped under my top to brush against the base of my spine. I'd denied myself this pleasure for too long, I was going to let myself relish in it for as long as I could. It was Peeta who broke our kiss in the end, although he didn't move far from me, simply resting his forehead against mine as we caught our breath.

"Katniss," he sighed, moving his hand up to rub them along my arms. I peered up at him through my eyelashes, but he had his eyes closed. I smiled softly at the look of contentment spreading across his face. How had we denied ourselves this for so long? But then suddenly his eyes snapped open and he pulled away from me. "Katniss, you're freezing. You really need to get out of those clothes."

I frowned at him, annoyed he could be so rational in a situation like this. His face had lost its original calm and he was staring at me as if I were going to succumb to hypothermia any second. "Now?" I asked, exasperated. Finally we'd crossed the barrier, and he was the one drawing the line all over again.

"Yes now, you're still soaking wet." His voice was firm, he seemed to have lost all the soft concern he'd had when I first showed up at his doorstep. From his attitude you couldn't have guessed what we'd just been doing. "I'll wait outside while you change." Before I even had chance to argue, he'd practically ran from the room and shut the door behind him.

I glared after him for a long while. This was why I'd kept myself closed off since he'd come back. I finally opened myself up to him, and he'd practically ran away from me. He'd probably realised the mistake he'd made, and decided he and I couldn't work. We'd tried it before and I'd just ended up hurting his progress with his recovery. No girl was worth that. I felt the tears stinging in my eyes as I refused to let them out. My body was suddenly freezing, and I didn't know if it was from the water droplets still drenching my clothes, or the fact that I felt so dejected. I quickly shed the wet garments off me, not enjoying the vulnerable feeling they were giving me, and changed into Peeta's shirt. It hung off me, just as he'd predicted, but in the perfect way. The hem of the shirt reached mid-thigh, as if wearing a soft nightdress. The feel of the soft fabric against my skin was like heaven compared to the garments I'd just been wearing. But it was the smell that most intoxicated me. It surrounded me, comforting me in a way that only Peeta's arms ever could

I was interrupted from my thoughts by a light knocking at the door. "Katniss, are you decent?" Peeta called softly through the door.

"Y-yes," I stuttered, scolding myself mentally for sounding so worked up. Peeta opened the door slowly and stepped inside, but once his eyes scanned my attire he seemed frozen in place.

"Katniss, you're not even dressed, I'll go back out." But he didn't move from his position, he continued looking at me with a hunger that made my stomach churn in excitement. For a moment I thought he might come over and scoop me up in his arms like I wished he would, but instead he just remained frozen.

"No, its fine. I'm more comfortable just in the shirt." I tugged at the hem of my shirt, trying to convince myself that I didn't even feel the slightest bit self-conscious under his gaze. Peeta just nodded awkwardly, his eyes still firmly settled on me. He bit his lip for a moment, as if debating whether to say something, but instead he just walked over to the side of his bed and pulled the sheets back for me – removing the decorative cushions in the process. I had thrown mine on the fire as soon as we moved into the house, they were far too much fuss when all I wanted to use the bed for was sleeping, not as decoration. It didn't surprise me in the slightest that Peeta's still remained in place. He patted the bed, inviting me to slide in beneath the covers, but the action reminded me of how Prim used to call Buttercup onto her lap, so instead I perched myself on the edge of the bed.

"Is there anything you need before I head downstairs?" Peeta's eyes had suddenly lost their boldness, and now refused to meet mine as I frowned at him.

"You said you'd stay." I pointed out. Had I really scared him away with the kiss? I had thought it was what Peeta would've wanted. Obviously I was mistaken.

"Katniss," he almost groaned, he looked up at me again, and that glint of desire in his eyes was still there. If he really didn't want the kiss, then why did he look so crazed for another?

"Please, I always slept better with you with me." I practically purred, playing on the lust that he was clearly trying to suppress. I climbed under the covers, turning over the corner closest to him, and shifted myself so I was lying down. Peeta seemed to be having an internal debate with himself before he slowly lay down beside me. Both of us lay flat on our backs, staring at the ceiling. I would've laughed at the situation if it wasn't me who was stuck in it. I hated the thought that only months ago this would've been the most natural thing in the world for us. Peeta had always welcomed me with open arms, and now I felt like he was trying to keep the distance between us. I slowly rolled onto my side and faced away from him, ignoring the falling feeling in my stomach. I felt rejected and empty, thinking maybe I should've stayed at home and dealt with my nightmares myself, because this didn't feel much better.

"Goodnight, Peeta." I croaked. My stomach lurched as I felt him turn over behind me, and before I had chance to react he began to wound his arm around my waist – his fingers searching for mine as his hand reached my stomach. I quickly grasped onto his fingers, afraid he would suddenly take his arm away from me. My whole body relaxed instantly, for that moment it didn't matter that I couldn't understand what Peeta was thinking – or whether he even wanted to hold me, it only mattered that he was. Seamlessly, I melted against him, I missed this more than almost anything else since I returned from Thirteen."Goodnight," his breath tickled against my ear, and I felt my heart pick up as I realised just how close we were lying together. I forced myself to stay in place, I was going to enjoy this. After months of torturous nights and loneliness, I would allow myself some comfort.

* * *

I awoke the next morning feeling surprisingly rested. No more nightmares. I stretched out my limbs one at a time, before I twisted my head to look around the room. I furrowed my brows at the sun streaming through the window. I couldn't even remember falling to sleep the previous night, and it seemed I'd slept straight through the early morning. I wouldn't be hunting today. Slowly I began to take in the rest of the room, something was different. I only began to realise where I was when I noticed a stray t-shirt hanging out of one of the chest of drawers. I was in Peeta's room. The memories of the previous night flooded back to me and instantly I felt myself flush bright red. I hadn't even considered my actions when I'd sprinted over to Peeta's – let alone how mortified I'd feel the next morning. I hated being weak, and I hated making Peeta pick up the pieces every time I fell apart. I groaned loudly before shifting myself so I was sitting up in bed. As I rose I felt the shirt I was wearing slide back down around me, I smiled down at myself without even meaning to. Suddenly I realised, I was alone in the bed. Peeta had already woken and left the room. My mind began to go into overdrive; he'd been so erratic with his behaviour last night, what if he'd decided that he'd made a mistake in letting me stay – in letting even more happen between us. The embarrassment began to sink in again, I'd practically forced myself on him, and clearly he didn't feel the same anymore. I'd missed my chance with Peeta, it was something I needed to accept. My eyes began to burn, but I blinked away the tears. I refused to be weak anymore – that's what had led me here.

I swung my legs over the side of the bed, quickly tugging Peeta's shirt down so it covered more of my bottom half. I looked around the room and couldn't see my clothes anywhere, I growled in frustration before stomping out the room. I didn't care who saw me, it wasn't like the Victor's Village was full of people. As I walked down the stairs, the smell of cooking overpowered me. I frowned lightly and followed the smell into the kitchen, where Peeta was bent over the stove, pouring something into a frying pan.

"Peeta?" I blurted out before I could stop myself. I was shocked he was still here, I would've thought he'd try and avoid me this morning – but then again he was always much more polite than me.

"Oh, hey," he smiled widely at me, it made my stomach churn uneasily. Why did he insist on always being friendly? "I was just making you some breakfast, I was going to bring it up to you." My frown deepened the more he spoke, did that mean he wanted me here?

"Where are my clothes?" I asked uneasily, not sure how I was meant to approach him this morning.

"Oh sorry," he looked me up and down, as if only just noticing I was still wearing his t-shirt. "I put them in the wash, I hope you don't mind. I thought they'd be done by the time you woke up."

"What time is it?" I butted in bluntly. Peeta seemed slightly phased by my tone, but didn't let it affect him.

"I think it's just past ten."

"What?" I blurted out, I never slept that late. "Why did you let me sleep for so long?"

Peeta laughed lowly, before tossing the frying pan so that the contents flew up in the air before he caught it again. "I thought you needed a good night's sleep." He smiled over his shoulder at me, "you look much better today."

I frowned at him again, how could I possibly look better? I was scantily clad in his kitchen, my hair a mess and I hadn't showered. But I still felt myself flush under his gaze.

"Sit down, Katniss." He nodded towards the table. "These are nearly done." I wordlessly took a seat at the table and waited for him to finish. I soon found the awkwardness I'd felt slipping away as I watched Peeta cook. It seemed that even watching him could comfort me, even if it was him who was unnerving me in the first place.

When he was done he placed a plate in front of me. I recognised the circular shaped dough as something I'd seen in the Capitol, although I'd never tried them. Peeta must've had them while he was staying there for his treatment. Wordlessly, I cut into the thick bread-like thing and placed a forkful into my mouth. It was light, almost the texture of a cake but much more savoury tasting. Peeta sat across from me, grinning as he waited for my reaction.

"What are they?" I asked once I'd swallowed my food.

"Pancakes." He answered simply as he began to sprinkle sugar all over his. "They're nice with a bit of sugar."

I laughed as he sprinkled another spoonful over his pancake. I had to wonder how he had such a good physique when he ate so badly. I knew he hadn't eaten the cakes while he shared the bakery with his parents, but since cooking for himself I couldn't imagine how much sugar he'd been consuming.

"Where did you learn to make them?" I already knew the answer, but I just wanted to keep the conversation flowing so I could think about something other than our kiss the previous night.

"Effie got me a book while I was in Dr Aurelius' care. Baking was part of my therapy." He explained. I nodded along, knowing how at ease he'd looked baking back in Thirteen when he'd been baking, even though he'd been struggling with overcoming the hijacking.

"They're nice." I quickly added, earning a wide smile from him before he began to dig into his own pancake.

We ate the rest of our breakfast, talking about the most trivial things either of us could possibly think of. I couldn't remember a time that Peeta and I had even spoken about such insignificant things. It was obvious we were both trying to avoid the topic of our kiss. Once I'd finished my food, Peeta quickly scooped up my plate and began washing up. I followed him over to the sink and began cleaning around him, neither of us seemed to be able to find anything more to say. As I cleared the counters I found the book Peeta had been talking about. I flipped through the pages, smiling every time I recognised one of the pastries – my mouth almost watering at the memory of the food in the Capitol. As I went through the book I noticed Peeta had begun scribbling in the margins of the pages, most of his notes appeared to be alterations to the recipes, or sketches on how he would have made them. I smiled over at him as he continued washing up at the sink. He would never be able to hold back his passion for baking, no matter how much he tried – he needed to be back in his bakery.

"Peeta," I started, but soon found myself too nervous to continue. He turned round to me and rose his eyebrows questioningly. When I didn't continue, his eyes drifted to the book in my hands and he smiled softly.

"Is there something you wanted me to make?" He asked.

"Oh, no. I was just looking." I placed the book down on the counter and ringed my hands out in front of me nervously. I knew Peeta still found it hard to talk about his parent's bakery. "Do you miss baking?" I asked him.

He frowned at me for a moment before chuckling lightly. "I bake all the time, Katniss."

"I don't mean a few loaves of bread in your kitchen." I sighed, a look of realisation crossed Peeta's eyes, but he let me continue. "Don't you miss the bakery?"

He seemed to be shocked into silence for a moment, his hands had frozen in place where they'd been scrubbing at the frying pan. He opened his mouth to speak, but instead made some kind of strangled noise. I covered the distance between him and placed my hand on his arm, I hadn't meant to upset him. He slowly lowered the pan and turned to me.

"I feel like I'm forgetting about them. It wouldn't be the same, running a bakery without them."

I could see the tears forming in his eyes and instantly I threw my arms around him, pulling him close so that his face was buried in my shoulder. His arms wrapped around my waist and pulled me flush against his chest.

"Peeta, your father would want you to run that bakery. He believed in you." I murmured against his ear before I rested my lips against his temple. "You should never give up on something you love."

Peeta slowly pulled back, but kept his arms wrapped around me. His face was so close I could feel his breath tickling my nose. My eyes trained on his as his gaze flitted between my eyes and down to my lips. I could tell I was holding my breath, but I couldn't find a way to release it, I felt paralysed under his stare. I felt as though my chest was suddenly empty as I stared back at him, we'd both loved each other once. Had we given up on something worth fighting for? I knew how much Peeta meant to me, I'd shown him last night, but was it enough to make him remember what we'd been to each other?

"Katniss," he breathed. He obviously had something he wanted to say, but he seemed unwilling to share.

"What are you thinking?" I murmured, our faces still tantalisingly close to each other. My lips almost found themselves drawn to his, but I forced myself to stay away.

One corner of his lips twitched upwards, forming a playful smirk on his face. He brought one of his hands from around my waist and tucked back one side of my hair behind my ear – he kept his hand cupped around the back of my head as he continued to smile at me, as if he knew a joke I wasn't being let in on.

"I was thinking about how much I want to kiss you right now." He blurted out, almost breathless by the end of the sentence.

My heart stopped, and I stared at him wide-eyed and open-mouthed. It wasn't that I didn't want to hear what he was saying. It was more that I didn't understand it. It was only last night that he had practically gone cold on me after I'd kissed him. If he really wanted that, why did he push me away?

"Sorry," he blushed furiously, his arms suddenly dropping from around me. "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I shouldn't have said that." I could see his ears had turned bright red, and he dropped his eyes away from mine.

"I… I don't understand." I stuttered, unable to process what he was saying. Peeta looked up at me. I reached out to him, wanting to hold him in anyway, but my own hands were trembling so much that he quickly snatched them up in his. "You really want me?" I asked dumbfounded.

"Of course," Peeta laughed. His eyes finally met mine as he smiled softly at me. "You're all I've ever wanted, Katniss."

"Then what was last night?" I frowned at him.

"I didn't want to take advantage of you." He sighed, bringing up my hands to his lips to place a lingering kiss on them. "You were so distressed, I was worried you were just acting without thinking."

I groaned at him, "Why do you always have to be so responsible?" I found myself smirking at him.

Peeta broke out laughing, he tugged me closer by my hands before he released them to cup my face. "One of us has to be."

"Maybe you don't have to be?" I felt myself leaning into his touch, "at least not for a few minutes."

Peeta took my cue and quickly closed the space between us; his lips found mine with a passion I hadn't expected. The pressure was much harder than usual, but he moved his lips slowly and with care, his lips fitting mine perfectly as we moved against each other. Slowly, he pried my mouth open with his tongue, quickly seeking out mine, and I found myself moaning against his lips. My hands slid around his back, feeling the defined muscle he had begun to rebuild, before I grasped onto the back of his shirt – pulling myself up against him. At the same time one of Peeta's hands slid behind my head, entwining itself into my hair as he brought my face up to his level. I was soon on my tiptoes, and as Peeta realised I was struggling, he slipped his other hand to the top of my leg – pushing me upwards. I felt my heart skip a beat as his warm hands touched my bare flesh. I had completely forgotten I was only in Peeta's shirt – and while stretching to reach him, it had ridden up over my underwear. I gasped as his hand slid up slightly, his fingertips unintentionally brushing against the material of my underwear.

"I missed you… so much." He breathed as our lips parted from each other.

"I've missed you too." I replied without even thinking, it was the truth. There was no denying the way my body ached for him, or the fact that for the first time in months, I didn't feel like my heart was empty. I felt tears of relief welling in my eyes.

Peeta rested his forehead against mine, his hands still cupping my cheeks. He brushed his thumbs along my cheekbones – frowning when he felt the wet streams of tears on my cheeks.

"Why are you crying?" He asked, his eyes suddenly wide as he stared at me.

"I don't know." I laughed unevenly, not doing much to put him at ease. "It just feels so different to be happy." He smiled sadly at me before pressing his lips against my forehead.

"I want to make you happy." His lips moved against my skin as he refused to move them away. I nodded once before sinking my way into his chest.

"What does this mean now?" I asked reluctantly. We had never defined our relationship before – and I had to admit it wasn't something I was particularly fond of doing. But I needed to know what this meant it terms of our everyday lives. Would we just pretend this didn't happen? Or would we be like we had been before?

"How about we take it one day at a time?" Peeta suggested.

"I'd like that." I replied honestly. I knew Peeta had always been more open to commitment than I had, and it meant a lot that he was willing to take things slowly for my sake. It was never in my plans to find someone that I cared so much about, I'd done everything I could to avoid ever getting into a relationship – but at that moment it didn't matter to me. I finally felt like I had someone to live for, even if we weren't defining our relationship.

Peeta wrapped his arms around me, holding me close for a minute longer before he released me completely. I felt suddenly cold without his touch, and crossed my arms over my chest. As he pulled away I couldn't help but let my eyes fall over him. How had I denied this boy for so long? He flashed me a nervous smile as he realised I was staring, which made my stomach flutter.

"So, what's the plan for today?" I asked quickly, trying to move on from my thoughts.

"Actually, I have plans to see Haymitch this afternoon." He smiled sheepishly at me.

"Haymitch?" I scoffed, "you're not tired of my company already, are you?"

Peeta laughed lightly, shaking his head at me. "I see him the same time every week, if not more."

"Oh," I replied lamely. I hadn't seen Haymitch in a while, let alone spoken to him.

Peeta's face turned serious and he reached out to take my hand, "you should come Katniss, he misses you."

"He doesn't act like it," I replied bluntly. I didn't really mean it – I just hated the look of pity he seemed to have every time he saw me.

"He asks how you are every time I see him," Peeta pointed out.

I sighed, I knew it was true. Every time I had visited Haymitch he'd been eager to find out what I'd been doing, although he'd always been disappointed with my replies. At least now I could prove to him that I was doing better.

"Fine," I grumbled, although I was unable to stop myself from smiling as Peeta beamed at me. My smiled soon faded when his expression turned serious.

"You really should get changed first though…" he eyed me up and down before winking at me, chuckling as I pulled the hem down on the shirt I was wearing.

* * *

I borrowed some of Peeta's bottoms and shoes to walk back to my house in. I was instantly grateful that the Victor's Village only had three residents, and I highly doubted Haymitch would be peeking through the curtains just in case anyone happened to walk past. The ground was still scattered with deep puddles after the storm, it must've rained late into the night or even through to the morning. As I neared my front door, a loud mewling came from behind me. As I turned to find the source of the noise – a very bedraggled looking Buttercup ran over to me, instantly wiping his wet fur up against my legs.

"Urgh, get off." I scowled at him, although I soon found myself sniggering at the sight of him. Clearly he hadn't been smart enough to avoid the wet bushes after last night's rain. I opened the door and he quickly rushed in ahead of me. After a quick inspection of the kitchen, I was glad to see that Sae had not been round this morning – I'd have hated to make her walk all this way for nothing.

I rushed up to the bathroom, quickly turning on the shower. I felt dirty after my nightmares last night, and I wanted to at least look presentable and prove to Haymitch that I wasn't mentally unstable. I started to undress, sliding down the bottoms Peeta had given me, I only had to undo the tie at the front of them for them to fall around my ankles. I smirked lightly before I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. The smile soon dropped from my face as I too in my reflection. My hair was mussed from the night's sleep, but had begun to frizz and curl from the rain, Peeta shirt hung over my in the most unflattering way possible – falling over my curves like they didn't even exist. How Peeta had managed to look at me lustfully earlier, I had no idea. But as I continued to stare at myself, I noticed something different. My eyes – normally plagued by black circles now looked rested, but more than that, I looked happy. My eyes had a glint in them I hadn't seen in myself in a long time. I smiled at my reflection for a moment; for the first time I was beginning to recognise the girl staring back at me.


End file.
